I'll admit that regardless of this amazement, I feel a little bit blue. My struggle clearly comes from the distance of what I just left behind. It wasn't an easy decision to pack up and move away from my friends and familiar places that made up the comforts of my life, after 4 long years. The fact that I was able to create that for myself, in a city I knew nothing about; it makes me hopeful for the relationships I'll build over here. Still, I feel selfish, because I left by choice. Why be so cruel to natural curiosity? It's a big world of possibilities, and no one who cares for me deeply would want to deny me of that. I need to be reminded at times that it's nothing to do with abandonment. If anything, it's bringing me closer to people. Some I never expected to reach out to.
Even moving down the street is exhausting. I have moved over 22 times in my life, and no matter how I've gone about it, or how prepared I am, it is always tiresome. It's physically and emotionally draining. I drove an entire day to get here, and that drive was something I'll never forget. I left a lot of myself behind, as I made my way here, and because of that, it's necessary to mourn the losses. It's just a part of life, to feel differently when the world around you is altered in some way. Right now, my entire world is different. Breathe, accept, nurture, grow. Change is good, but it isn't always easy. It does get easier, though. Let it happen.
I crave knowledge. I like to know things before I allow myself to learn, because I hate making mistakes through trial and error. There are a lot of lessons to be learned in this process already, and getting my business back in order is part of it. I have some daily exercises lined up, to stretch the professional muscles out and to show myself that getting here is part of the personal growth I've been seeking. Showing myself that I've made it here, on my own... seriously... crazy shit. I know I need to be proud, but also be fair. Be kind. This is a lot to take in. This is big.
I meditate, I rest, I do my best to relax. I'm still battling with the downtime because any time I pick up a pencil, I feel it should be used for business related things. This too is a process I'm working into my schedule. Personal work is necessary for artists, to disconnect and reconnect in a different way that isn't about the usual process. I'm actually loaded with inspiration and ideas. So many, that it's tough to focus. It's like the moment I put my pen to paper, a million other ideas want to come out at once. It's nice to feel so excited to share what I've seen, and what I've learned from being here. Nature has sucked me in and shown me so many magnificent things. It's neat when it cycles through to the surface and comes out in front of me. I feel I'm really coming back to myself, yet struggling so hard to grasp it and let it happen, without force. All part of the process of change. Be fair. It'll all come back.
Today is a day of whatever. I have my pens and papers all lined up to be used whenever and wherever I may take them. I'm shutting my mind off from the technological distractions, as I've noticed that I crave social interaction with my loved ones. I'm clinging because I'm scared, I'm expressing because I'm excited, I'm sharing because I'm emotional. I'm learning who I am. I'm feeling brand new. I have never felt so open, yet so contained. I'm sorting all of these new pieces that are also familiar. I've always loved the shapes of trees, the sounds of the breeze through leaves and bodies of water. It's like, I'm returning to an old friend. I'm reuniting with myself.
This post is flighty, I realize, but it's just how the thoughts are pouring out as they come. I have so much to get a hold of, and so much to release. It's an interesting transition, but I feel the seasons of change will help me catch up with what is to come. Lovely, that we approach the greatest season of change, the fall. I am very excited to see what that season looks like here; how it will present itself, what it will make me feel. Until then, I celebrate the summer; knowing that next year, it will remind me of this place, what I just learned, how I got here, and how far I've come. This is where I am.
You have to start somewhere.