The season of change could not have come at a better time. There's so much going on around me, every day is like a certain dream I need to shake myself awake from. My life is so different, and yet the struggles are entirely the same (and intense) as they were at the start of this year. Working for myself has been a bit of a roller coaster ride, though I'd say that at this point, it's starting to settle and make some sense. I just needed to slow down and take care. I'm really so hard on myself, sometimes. Aren't we all?
There seems to be this incredible message circling around, about how happiness is something we create for ourselves. It's sort of funny to see it happening around me so frequently, like it's becoming a new discovery for a lot of people. This makes me really happy to see, because I have often felt like an outcast; for valuing my own time. I think the world could use a little bit of alone time, by throwing themselves in the middle of the wilderness, to discover their actual insignificance. Slow down, shut up, turn it off, and who cares about whose face is on the cover of a magazine. Get outside and take in this lovely world we've been plunked upon to explore. Who knows how long we'll get to be here?
For almost half of my lifetime, I was in some kind of a relationship that involved a lot of running in circles. It felt necessary that the love I had to give, be given to someone else, in order for it to be valid. It's unfortunate that a lot of people don't see how wonderful it can be, to be on your own. I mean.. if you don't enjoy your own company, then why should anyone else? As I've come to love my alone time, and even value myself as a person, I feel that if someone finds me along the way, then I'll be loved for the right reasons. No one can change me from being who I am. I'm a lot of things that I didn't really give myself the chance to realize, because I was too focused on giving it elsewhere. It's so much easier to give to others than it is to give to ourselves. I think that's where our happiness battles fall a bit short. Makes sense why I'm not nearly as exhausted as I used to be.
I have no regrets in my relationships, no matter the shape or size that they have come in. I firmly believe that if we're given one life to live on this earth, we should see each and every person we encounter, and share with, as a gift. Our experiences shape who we are. It's a beautiful thing, and my mind sees it all as one big story, writing itself as I go along. It's lovely. I'm thankful for the characters who have made this story what it is, right now. This is how I see the world in front of me. It's weird, but it's mine.
That's why I decided that if I woke up as someone else, tomorrow, I know I'd feel sad to lose out on who I am. I have a mind that I am accepting as a certain thing that not everyone can understand. That doesn't make me a bad person at all, I'm glad to be who I am. I think about things in a different way, I feel things heavily, I process every little thing in front of me, and I see things at such an intensity that the details inspire me to create. That's sorta beautiful, if you ask me. It's apparently selfish to accept ourselves for who we are... yet... what? What a waste of life, to feel you have to keep on guessing and shitting it out, in order for others to feel better about themselves.
Why can't we see ourselves as unique and wonderful creatures? Not being accepted by one person, doesn't mean you get the shaft from the world. I hardly have much of an existing family, and yet I've made one of my own, to make up for those losses. Why dwell? Why not celebrate what you can make as your own? I am glad I'm a feeler, a deep one.. "deeper than the goddam ocean," as a charming friend of mine recently said. It's true, I'm a bit of an abyss of emotion. I thought it was a bad thing, because it's a lot to take in. It's who I am. I'm not selfish at all. I'm just up to date with keeping myself in check. It's necessary to give yourself what you need.
My favourite moments are when I'm outside and surrounded by nature. The sounds of silence, the trickling of the rivers, the gravel beneath my feet, the chirping of birds, the breeze that whispers through my hair. It's incredible. I don't feel alone at all. I take myself on adventures, and every day I catch myself looking up as high as I can crane my neck, to see the tops of the trees as they extend far beyond the clouds in the sky. I always say thank you, thank you to every little thing that I've been given. Everything that has brought me here. Every experience, every success, every downfall, every person I've met along the way, everyone I've come to love and accept as a part of my life, right now. Myself included.
The world isn't going to love you back the way you want it to. All you can do is love it entirely the way that you know how. It paints a different view of what is around you, and what is actually important. It really is a gift you give to yourself. Once you present it to the right place, your heart and mind will thank you. You have so much to give to yourself. No one can take it away from you. Only you can provide yourself the happiness you need. And, you'll never feel alone.