I guess it's fair to say that living on my own hasn't always been easy, but it is something I have learned to enjoy through the years. It's the first time in my life where I've been in control of where I go, and where I stay, and for how long. There's a certain sense of security I find in it; which I can't get enough of. It makes me feel somewhat rebellious in a way. No one can tell me what to do. It's just me, and my dog roommate.
I'd say my biggest challenge of being on my own, is learning about self love. I'm quick to neglect myself, often not out of intention but just out of where I choose to focus my energy. I'm very work oriented, I love my dog, and I'm also a hardcore dreamer. Lately, I've been taking more time to consider the things that I need in my life, and from that a lot has changed. Bit by bit, I take the time to change what isn't working.
From writing in a journal, I'm starting to listen more to my needs in life, and that I actually have dreams I wish to pursue. I never chose to take those things seriously, simply because I thought they were just that. Dreams. It's true that you can make some of your dreams a reality, if you try. I just hadn't bothered.
It's good to dream. I think it keeps us going as human beings, to think of something that may just urge us in the proper direction. Not everything has to work out, and failure is a part of the experience. I knew that when I came to Edmonton, three years ago, that I wanted to make something more out of myself. I've learned a great deal. The mistakes, the hardships, the challenges, the successes ;it's all incredibly rewarding. I think in some ways, I may have fallen off the responsibility train, in regards to myself, because it was easy to push those things aside, and focus on everything else. Everything is good, and yet I don't quite feel fulfilled.
I know that because of that, I don't want to put these things off any longer. I can still do what I'm doing, so long as I'm not continuing to ignore the things that actually matter to me. It's the scariest thing, because the outcome is a mystery. It's like standing on the edge of a high dive, asking myself if I jump in head first, with my toes.. and do I close my eyes, plug my nose... This metaphor is weird. I just know I need to do more to acknowledge what my insides are trying to tell me. Take the leap. You don't know until you try.
I haven't given myself much credit in my time on my own, and I'm only just opening up to the concept that anything is possible. With the process of another move on the go, I get this sense of starting over. Change always brings out new purpose, and I think this will do me some good this time around. It's just me and my dog, as per usual.. and so far, we're doing alright. Together we can conquer anything.
Sunday, I wrote this in my journal:
You spend a lot of time focusing on what you're not, over what you are. Stop listening to what you're used to hearing, and tell yourself something new. You can kick a lot of balls that way.