I've been feeling tired, and looking tired. It's hard to stay consistent with motivation, but I know I'm only going to sink lower if I don't push myself just a little bit harder. I believe this is what seasonal depression looks like. After the emotional stress of the holidays (and most of 2014) finished off by a month long, debilitating, illness, I know it's time to shake off the shell of darkness before it takes over.
Winter is tough. I can't help it when I feel this way. It's dark, it's cold, it's angry, it's stressful; and if it's not in the mountains, it's ugly, it's messy, and often quite miserable. The energy is contagious when people get complaining. I don't think it's necessary, yet I know I get caught up in it, too. It's a really tough one to ignore when you lose out on 5-6 months of daylight. This is why I call my new project, Internal Sunshine. I need to shine on.
The darkness loses me. Without sunlight, I'm irritable, negative, I'm moody, I'm lethargic, and ready to fight the inventor of the season. I'm tired of being tired, I'm bored of being bored. Sometimes, I find myself lying in bed at 9:30pm, because I don't know what else to do. I wake up to darkness, I come home to darkness. I feel it should be illegal to get out of bed in darkness. I need to fight it off, before it becomes me. Simple as that. Where do you find the light?
I realize that long winters are a part of being a Canadian, and I don't feel it's right to complain about it, but this is where we are. I doubt the people in Hawaii complain about the sun. Or maybe they do? "You see the bright blue skies out there, Harry? Ugh, it's disgusting. When will it end?" We never seem to be happy with what we get. There are ways to solve this problem, and the point of this project is to motivate myself out of this funk, and to maybe remind myself what it is that keeps me going regardless of the lighting situation. I long for summer, but it will always return. Maybe I need to learn how to be grateful for the drastic changes in our environment that come with the seasons. I may favor the bright, warm, and sunny, but winter has its own sort of beauty, too. I feel like a mountain adventure is in order, just to see it. It's definitely on the list. Oh, the list...!
I'm making a list, so that I know what to follow and what to share, as I go. I feel it's appropriate for the month of hearts (February), to be a time to focus more solidly on my emotional state, and strengthen the pieces of my soul that are currently passed out on the floor in an overdose of ennui. I need to replenish my bucket of self love, and find more things to be happy for. It's time to prove the winter blues wrong, and shine on. Let's kick this bitch in the balls.
Darkness, you will not take me away.
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