I've become my own boss, my own provider/planner, marketing team, promoter, customer service rep, secretary, shipper/receiver, banker, supplier, brand, business, and my own cheering team. There are a number of other roles I take on in every day, I just thought a brief example would be enough to explain why I may be a little overwhelmed under the surface. I have no idea what I'm doing, and that's okay because we all have to start somewhere, right? Too bad I have very little patience, an unrealistic need to be perfect at everything, and I don't know how to ask for help. All of those things can add up and become a bit of a problem. Reading this, already, I see that I'm really quite hard on myself.
My anxieties, present themselves in my dreams, almost constantly. It can be a little entertaining, when I look at them closer, and see what my mind is trying to tell me. I'm either late, lost, being hurt/rejected by someone I care about/love, I'm losing my shoes, my sense of direction, my passport; or in some situations I am surrounded by orcas, while floating around in a very tiny lifeboat. Yeah, analyzing any of these indicates a certain insecurity toward losing my grip on the stability of my life, my relationships, and the world around me. Intense. I know I need to slow down, but also pick up in other areas that I'm losing out on. Yes, orcas, I get it! You're there to make me think about it!
Isolation is most definitely my biggest challenge. With my office space as my living space, I tend to have difficulty disconnecting when it is needed. I can work 18 hour days if I'm in the zone, which can sometimes result in running myself dry; without leaving the house at all. And though it's sometimes how I roll with being a homebody and workaholic ... I need, and I mean need to stop, get out, and do more for myself. It's okay to stop working, even if I feel it will result in wishing I'd done more, later. Business won't fail in an hour, or two, or even a day off. I'm learning to disconnect, and also connect in different ways. I've become more social with my friends, catching up, slowing down, getting back in touch when it is needed. I like this change in my life. People that matter make the time.
My impatience rests on where I live. I have my struggles, getting over my fears of the north, based off of my experiences; but I'm not in any sort of danger to need to get out this instant. It's a quiet neighbourhood, tidy, and friendly in patches; just not what I'm looking for in regards to action and social interaction. If I want to go for a long walk, on my own, or with dog, I am more than happy to pack a bag and set out on a miniature road trip and adventure to the south side. There are solutions to every problem, and if filling my gas tank a little more often than usual is part of the equation, so be it. I need it. It just makes a difference on my day, and state of mind, to get outside and be around the people. Damn, this city is great for people. I can't wait until I can get the energy I need, by simply leaving my doorstep.
I'll be moving back to the south, in July, and though I tried my best to shorten my lease to June; it is the most responsible thing to do, while I figure out freelance and how to keep up with it. It worries me sometimes, when I think about how much I need to do in between the list of responsibilities that I take on every day; but I also realize that worry gets you nowhere. It's natural to worry, but when it comes in excessive doses, it slows shit down and can even stand in your way, entirely. I don't have time for that, nor do I need that sort energy in the mix. Don't play your own enemy with mind games of failure. That's one of my worst habits. Ask the orcas! You only fail if you allow yourself to fail. No way, no time for it.
I feel like I'm keeping a good grip on maintaining a positive mindset, for figuring things out. My goal for the next few months is to take better care of myself, and make it a more consistent and necessary part of my list of priorities. I'm the engine that keeps this train running (profound analogy, no?) so, I need to take care of myself similarly to how I run my business. It's a lot to take in, but I've loved what I've learned, and am looking forward to what I'll learn even a week from now. It's constant. Change is good for the soul, so long as you're taking care of yourself. And with a goal in sight, imagine the possibilities to come, while you reach for it.
Everything is going to be alright.