dreaming and thinking out loud

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I come from a bit of a gypsy background. I've moved at least 21 times in my life, and I don't think I remember staying in the same place for more than 3 years at a time. I'm coming up on 4 years, and 4 moves, living in Edmonton; so I guess it makes sense that I'm getting a bit of an itch for adventure. With a lease that's up in August, I won't lie, I've been thinking. Where do I want to go?

The funny thing is, that I don't know where I want to go, and if I want to go just quite yet. Things here have been quite good to me, minus some wonky living situations, occupational struggles, and some failed relationships. It's like crashing around in circles in a way. This was when the idea came to surface. Maybe I'm being pushed out, maybe something new might bring me some structure and sense. It's tough to say.

I've been weighing out my reasons as well as the pros and cons to packing up and going someplace else. I have the freedom of being on my own, to make whatever decision I want, and the adventure bug has been itching my brain. Is it the right time, or poor timing? And why go when things are actually going so well? I'm being honest that it's been a thought, and I consider it every day. I just want to be responsible about it.

With only 2 months of experience in freelance, I have to say that I need to be considerate to this curiosity toward venturing outward, because it could backfire and take me down in one fell swoop. I've barely built up a savings, or even a solid structure with my process, as I still have so much more to learn, and even more so when it comes to making myself known. I make approx. 80% of my sales online, so who's to say that moving would make that much of a difference. My office goes where I go. There's magic and freedom in that. But, there's also the social part that I'm considering. This city is incredibly supportive, and I feel I've only just begun to get to know how supportive it actually can be. With festivals and venues approaching for the summer, I have to admit that I'm excited to get myself out there.

What keeps me here is actually a decent list, I've discovered, in the process of the debate. While I have often gone on and on about the culture of this city, it really is a wonderful and welcoming place to be. The people, hands down, are what I love about it. It has a small town vibe that is very approachable, and our creative drive may be what helps us relate to one another as a community. I have my art community, my crafts community, film, writing, design, music, and even Boston Terrier lovers. It's an incredibly wonderful way to feel welcome, in so many directions of interest. I feel my options are almost endless, and the variety is not something you find every day. Edmonton, you have a firm grip on my heart. I actually didn't expect this.

Every person I've met here seems to have some sort of creative spark, and it's what keeps them driven and dreaming in ways I can so easily relate to.  I love being able to touch base with each one of my social circles and feel a sense of understanding, even if the amount of time I actually spend with them is limited. This, I am seeking to change. I feel grateful to know the people I know today, and tend to consider that I would have never met them had I not decided to take a chance and move here. That's what piques my curiosity, though, when it comes to going somewhere new. New people, new adventures, new experiences. It's intriguing.

I realize that since I moved to the north side, I've had a bit of a battle with isolation. This may be part of my desire to branch off further, as I feel that going someplace else wouldn't make a massive difference; because social media and networking keeps us all closely knit and in touch. I suppose that's the nice thing about packing up and moving, in that the ones who stay in touch are the ones who matter most. I feel wealthy with all of the friendships I've made here. The fun thing is that it continues to grow at a rapid rate, thanks to my art. I actually feel... cool.

If I leave, I want to be sure that I'm leaving for the right reasons. I'll admit that last month was a personal struggle, and that's when I started to toss this idea around. When things don't go your way, it's easy to feel like you need to set yourself at a distance, when it isn't necessarily what is constructive. There is much to appreciate, and sometimes being in a poor mindset can blind you from that. For someone who doesn't like to ask for help, it might be better to swallow my pride and seek out those who I find so important and let them help bring me back to surface. I have a project in mind to encourage this. Will post about it another time.

I'm constantly making new friends here, and I have to say that it's overwhelming to see how much support I get from the people around me. I feel a sense of invincibility, like I can make friends anywhere, it's just that the idea of starting from scratch again can be both intriguing and kind of exhausting. It takes time to make friends and build up a social circle, especially as an adult. Am I ready for that? Sometimes yes, sometimes not at all. For someone who has pressed restart so many times in their lives, it may have become second nature to crave new introductions.. and yet, I'm 35 and seeking structure and stability in my flighty lifestyle.

So why go, then? Well, I know I don't want to stay here forever, and I can go when I want. Edmonton has been a bit of a stepping stone for me, and while I know there are bigger/better things for me to explore in this big blue planet, I just don't know when I'm ready to take that leap. It's like jumping off the high dive. I know I'm going to love the rush of it and be glad I gave it a shot; the question lies on when and where I'll land. With a little dog in tow and nothing holding me back, I feel we can do just about anything. That's a cool feeling. Who knows what I'll decide tomorrow or the next day. It's just sorta fun to dream out loud.

Life is full of endless opportunities, especially when you create them for yourself.