It's almost a little strange for me to say that I'm in a really good place and not feel too weird about it. I mean, there's always a bit of nervousness that I experience when everything around me is going so well; because it leaves room for things not to go so well. I realize, it's best not to ruin the moment with worry, and just let it ride. Now is now. And right now, it feels good to be here.
For a very long time, I'll admit, I was a bit of a rain cloud about the world around me, because I was very insecure. I was rather cynical, as a defence, and though I'd say I still have a layer of cynicism that will always exist, I am nowhere near the place I used to be. I didn't see how significant the change was, until I put myself side by side, to see it physically in front of me how far I've come. It's neat to see the changes on the surface and also know they go even deeper to my core. I'd say my heart has grown so many sizes since I started working freelance and as the artist I have always been. I worked my lifetime to get here, and it is totally fine to be proud of myself for it... even if that pride can feel a bit off, for how it can be perceived. I think the best thing to do is not let yourself (or anyone) rob you of your achievements. Pat yourself on the back for kicking ass. It's not easy keeping up with it all the time. Allow yourself to make mistakes, learn to forgive yourself for what is already done, and aim to be a better person in the moment. Now is really all that matters.
I never used to like taking pictures of myself, until I started to feel more comfortable in my own skin. I like to document where I'm at in my emotions, whether it be a good day, a bad day, or a day I'm not certain about. I like to use my creativity to express where my emotions are at, by practicing self love through something that is often seen as totally vain. I don't think it's wrong to love yourself, and for me, it is always a challenge. The more I allow myself to express, through my own literal expressions, the more I see how much I've grown along the way. Being grateful for yourself and the world around you is a definite healer. It's how I got to be where I am right now. Our imperfections, and accepting them, are what make us the special little snowflakes that we are. Some are a little more 'unique' than others! ;)
I worked hard to shake off the crust of what I'd been almost literally lugging around with me. I'm a sensitive person, and I try my best to make the world happy; when it is obviously impossible. Looking at myself, from then and now, really took me to a different place this week, when I was shown just how drastic those changes have been. I struggled with myself, and when I did, I took people down with me; as we often tend to do, when we don't want to be left alone and to deal with our own responsibilities. I was a bit of a dweller, until I started to meditate on a daily basis. When I realized that now is the only moment that matters, it shed so much tension from my life.. and baggage from my hips. Kinda cool, the shape I've taken on, literally. I feel positive and content. I love the world around me, because I decided to create a better place.
It'll never get old to hear how I've affected someone's life for the better, by inspiring them to get back in touch with their creative side. That's sorta what I aim to do, because I know what creativity has done for me. I like to remind people to see that it's okay to let go of the seriousness of the world and get your hands dirty. Grab a brush, a pen, and see what the thoughts become. Creativity has always been a healing resource, and now that it is my daily life and how I survive, I see I'm in a place where I belong. I hope to do this until I no longer exist.
When I learned how to disconnect from what is and isn't my actual responsibility, it took a lot of weight off of my shoulders. It also helped me keep up with my own responsibilities and apply my energy in the appropriate places. Some say I work far too much. On occasion, sure, I might have a sleepless night to keep up with my workload; but, I do what I love and I love what I do. I feel lucky for that, every day that I get to call this my job.
When I can share with others and even hear their own experiences and how they cope, it brings a sense of realness to how we function and occasionally fall short. The creative community is a place where I'm happy to be. There's a misconception that it's a competitive place. Sure, there are a level of talents out there in this world that we can compare ourselves to, and billions of people who can do things better than you; but comparison gets you nowhere. Imagine if it all stopped there, nothing would ever be accomplished. Practice your strengths and you'll grow in the right places.
Me and Colin Close, on Takin' it to the Streets, on Whyte Avenue.
I mean it when I say that this city is packed full of wonderful people, and I also feel we meet those positive forces at the right time, for a reason. The people I know today make up the life I've got in front of me, and though I'm packing and leaving, I know that I'll take with me the ones that matter most. It's an interesting cleanse, that only leaves room for more to gain. Your vibe attracts your tribe. My tribe is golden. I still feel like I have that Mario star that I've mentioned before. The feeling of invincibility is really quite remarkable. I don't think Kendyl from the past would ever believe that this place I'm at would even be possible. I'm glad to prove her wrong, and also prove her right that hard work pays off.
I'm not really going anywhere with this post, specifically. I just feel that it was an appropriate time to express where I stand in my life, and how sometimes when it goes well, it can have its challenges and kinks to keep up with. Old habits are tough to break, but it is doable to keep on the right track and away from the things that want to stand in our way. Sometimes, positive changes can lead to some pullbacks, whether it be from yourself or others around you, because it's easier to stay where it is familiar and often comforting (yet not so comfortable at all). With only a few weeks before we hit the road, I can't help but wonder what shape I'll take on next. I'm proud of Kendyl for coming this far, and pushing to go even further.
High kicks to living in the moment, and appreciating it all while it is here.