day 26: go time

It's hard to believe that after 3 years of being a part of Go Auto, I will be moving on to bigger things, after tomorrow. I've been wanting to avoid this post since the start of this month, because I knew it would be tough to put into words and accept that it's over (or more like a beginning). It's amazing to think that this day has arrived, and it's time to focus forward, into a totally new piece of life. Change is good for the soul, they say. It's gonna be... just right now, I feel it's having some down time. It sucks to say goodbye.

To dip back in time a little, I came to this city not knowing much about it at all. I took it as an opportunity to get to know myself and live on my own. When I got the call to give it a shot, I didn't hesitate, and jumped on board. With my 2008 Sunfire, I hit the road from Winnipeg, without looking back. I guess I knew it was going to be a good experience no matter what. I took it as an adventure, with nothing to lose and so much to gain.  I had no idea what I was in for, or what it would even look like when I arrived. Fortunately, it worked out. This was the best decision I ever made, no doubt about it.

Feeling like the new girl didn't last very long. Right away, I felt that I was accepted into the group, who soon became some of my closest friends in the city, and eventually a bit of a family. I think very highly of this company and what it has become to me through the years; for what the people have done for me, what the experience has taught me, and for the confidence I'll be leaving with. I really do owe my boss a tremendous thank you for seeing my strengths and doing everything in his power to help my position, until it just became too much on both of us. I think we both struggled to admit defeat in the matter, but instead of kick me out with resent, he guided me toward where I naturally belong. It really does suck that I can't be a part of this team. What a group of incredibly talented and wonderful people.

I try not to feel like I've failed, or that I've let anyone down. I owe so much to this company for letting me be a part of it for so many years, and showing me what sorts of things I'm capable of doing. I have to admit that I've had a funny sensation of feeling 'left out' simply because I don't want to miss out on my days with them. That was part of the struggle I was having with moving on, by coasting through on comfort. I feel lucky to say that I've come to work, without noticing a day where I didn't laugh or have a good time. I wish I could have faked it harder, but I know they'd never allow it. They want what's best for me. That feels pretty amazing.

Fortunately, I'm a good 'keeper in toucher' and I won't be losing touch with my Go family, whether they like it or not. These people have helped me through such an interesting transition; getting to know myself, this city, and what there is to be proud of in this entire experience. I'm going to miss the laughs, the stories, the nonsense, the voices, the noise. I'm going to miss the talks, the brainstorms, inside jokes, the team building, the cookie sharing.. everything. Every little thing, I will miss about these people. What an incredibly heartwarming sensation to think of them, as family, and as a part of my life I will never forget. I haven't had that in years. For that, I'm touched, and filled with tears of joy and of course a teeny bit of sadness. It's not an easy bandaid to peel. I'm going to miss it, I really am, but this is absolutely for the better. I know that, and so do they. Man... it's tough.

To end it here, I'll just say one hundred times, thank you. Thank you, Go Auto, for giving me the strength to push forward, to see that I have so much to share, and talent that cannot be wasted on newsletters and forms with checkboxes. Thank you for telling me to get out there, to try hard, and show the world and myself that I'm good at what I do. I don't think anyone would have helped me in the way that you have. I will be forever grateful for the most thoughtful and helpful kick in the ass to believe in myself. All the best. You guys fucking rule.

day 25: eagle powers

To say I'm a huge fan of character may be a bit of an understatement. I've been drawing characters since as far back as I can remember, because I find them to be unique in their own way. Character is what makes up my life. I would even say that I see the people in my every day life as characters, because how we are shaped, how we behave, how we move, respond, walk, talk, react (etc) is totally different from the next. Snowflakes, but maybe with funny shoes or big hair. Whatever makes someone visually interesting, I see it, I take it with me and I put it on paper. I'm glad to see the world this way, and I know that my passion for character can be used somewhere in this universe. I'm jumping into freelance as soon as this week is over. I'm terrified, yes, but determined to show myself that there is a place for my passions to be heard. Somewhere.

I painted a picture of Nacho Libre, to hang on my wall, because I find his character to be very inspirational. Nacho Libre is a character who believed in what he loved, and did everything he could to achieve his goals; even if he looked a little stupid along the way. To me, he is a symbol of self belief, determination, confidence, and strength. These are things I feel I struggle with constantly because I don't know how to firmly believe in what I do, without feeling a little bit silly about it. This character has helped remind me that with success comes a number of failures, and it's up to you to keep fighting if it's what you believe in. No matter how many times you are defeated, or slapped in the face, or are caught wearing stretchy pants in your room just for fun; stand tall, puff up your chest, and fight. If you don't believe in yourself, who will?

*Ding ding dig* Time to get in the ring!

day 22: oh no

An old friend/creation, Plungey. 

I'm catching up with my posts, and I just wanted to take a minute to attempt to put into words how difficult this week is going to be. I mean, I embrace change for what it is, because I feel that it makes me shift into the now, so I can appreciate things while they last. I know I'm going to have some really up and down moments, letting this sink in. I'll keep this one short, and for another day. I'm not quite ready to get into detail how much I'm going to miss the people who have made up my day to day for three long years. I might cry... a few times... maybe. As our old friend Plungey would say, "Oh no!"

day 21: breaking

It took a lot for me to sit down and draw something for fun, while everything is so up in the air and in a bit of a mad panic to get things prepared for next month. I needed this mind break. I feel like I'm lost in space. #Samus #Metroid

day 20: okay

I'm 2 days behind in writing. I've been trying  my best to let my thoughts out, but I'm in a bit of a state of panic. Maybe not panic, just not sure how to focus on anything other than the fact that this is my last week of work before I'm out on my own. It feels so strange, and I'm doing my best to process it and take it in for what it is, and how good this might actually be for me. I'm having a tough go with it, but I know it'll be fine. At least I hope it will be. I just really rely on stability for comfort; though, I think that's what the problem was in the first place.

I have so much yet to say about what the company and my coworkers have done for me through the years. I think in some ways I've been avoiding this topic because I know it's going to be really hard to walk away from it, after 3 years of having a really good time. Life is going to change drastically, after this week. Change is good, change is terrifying. It's going to be okay. I'm going to be okay. We're going to be okay. It'll be okay. Okay... just breathe.

day 19: grrr

With one week left of being a Graphic Designer, I feel I'm in need of a bit of a motivational post; as a little reminder to myself to keep going. I feel that I'm only about to prove myself wrong in a lot of things, coming up. I'm pumped up, yet I'm feeling so reluctant and terrified of this situation. What do I do? Freelance? Oh yes, we're hopping back on. I know it's going to be tough, but if I can survive off of myself; with the client base I've built up through the years, and the support that keeps rolling in from the people around me (at least until I find that position that fits me right) then we're laughing. I'm not enjoying this idea, sans the stability of a consistent pay check, but I can only keep pushing myself, by showing 'em who is boss. ME! No one can stand in my way!

If you're scared of anything that intimidates you, growl back.

day 17 & 18: rolled into one

I missed a day of posting, but I figured it was needed, since I've been spending a LOT of time on my computer. I have to say, it was a very productive -5 day- weekend, so much that it was tough to tell myself when to stop because I was having such a good time with it. When that happens, I know it's a good sign. The tougher part, I think, is taking the time to slow down; even if it's necessary. I can't squeeze myself dry and expect to make spectacular work all the time. Instead, I've decided to let it (and myself) rest for a couple of days, and then come back to it over yet another weekend of late nights. This is how I currently live.

When I stopped working, to switch into some down time and enjoy today, I had a brief moment of anxiety. My chest grew tight, my breathing a little short, my thoughts racing so fast that I couldn't allow my kitchen cupboards to grow disorganized. I had this sudden sensation of realizing that I won't have a job after next week; which makes me wonder what the f*ck I'm going to do. I try not to think too long about it because I can't get worked up over something I can't predict or control. I can only continue to work at the pace I've been going, and see where it takes me. The buts and what ifs can take a backseat. Really, I don't have time to let them get in my way.

When anxiety speaks, I tell it to shut up. It's never constructive. It also wears me out before it begins. It's funny because it's all a game of thinking too far ahead. There are so many possibilities of where things can take me, and some of those things don't come up with positive results. I have to be realistic that I might not find that job I'm 'meant to be' in. I mean really, who gets to do what they want in this world? Is that a cynical thing to say? I don't think so, to be honest. I feel it's how I keep myself in the now, and prepared for what might actually happen; it could very well be nothing at all.

I could ask myself a million questions, what I'm going to do, where I'll go, how I'll afford it etc. It'll get sorted when I get there. I have built up a client base through my years of freelance and toy making that I know I can fall back on it, if it is needed. For now, I'm still keeping the momentum focused entirely on myself and what I need in order to make it through to the other side. I dunno what the other side means, I just think it sounds ambitious enough to block out the anxiety that keeps trying to creep in and mess things up. It always messes things up.

I used to have such terrible anxiety, I had panic related seizures. I even had a period where I didn't leave the house for almost 6 months. Yeah, it was that bad. I was fixated so much on disappointing people, or not doing things right, or letting down a certain audience that I decided was always watching and judging me, because it was inevitable I would fail. It was an awful thing to place on my shoulders, but it was there, and I lived with it for years. When I started to realize that my anxiety was only affecting the outcome, I decided to do something about it. I started to realize that I wasn't in any particular danger, and that every day was a new day, and it was all about now and not what happened yesterday or 200 years ago. If it has already happened, it has happened; if it hasn't happened yet, you wait. Anxiety doesn't want to sit and enjoy the moment with you, it wants to destroy it. When it comes around, I meditate. Meditation brings awareness that everything is okay, right now.

I have no idea what is going to happen from here, if I'll achieve anything, or if this is all I get out of this experience. I could end up in another design position, for all I know. I could go along continuing to chase my tail and look for a place for my talents to fit in. I could give up, I could sit on the floor and cry about it if I want. The fact is that it's all a choice, how you respond to the things in your life. Either you let them defeat you, or you defeat them. I'm only here to try out this thing called living and see what I can get out of it. If it takes me back to square one, I can only say I tried. My friends will always be there, my dog, my family, the grass, the sky, the air. It's all going to be okay. Nothing is going to take me away from the things I want in life, so long as I am in control.

Take that, anxiety. Go home.

day 16: too legit to quit

Is it weird that after I sent my first demo reel/portfolio out, I instantly wanted to make another one? I guess this means that I'm enjoying what I'm doing, since I haven't gone to bed before 3am in the last three nights. I am exhausted, and my eyes are in need of a spritz. Still, I can't stop staring at this screen, testing ideas over and over. This is a good thing, a very good thing.

Show and Tell is coming soon.

day 15: holy sh*t

When you're so numb from busting your ass and staring at a computer, there's no time to be scared of anything. I don't even really know what just happened, because it didn't look at all how I imagined it. Maybe I needed an internal soundtrack of epic dream fulfilling music? I dunno. It's similar to when you get trapped in an elevator; it just happens, you're in an elevator, and then it starts moving again. Without the suspenseful music, it's nothing to really fuss about. Kinda reminds me of birthdays: another day, anticlimactic, no parade, and something you try just a little bit to see as something different. I dunno... I'm so super numb. 

I tiptoed around the application process for a good while. Last night, I stayed up as late as I could, finishing up my animation, and then woke up in the morning only to go back to bed. My mind is tapped. I was fair to tell myself that working on exhaustion just isn't the best way to roll when something so big as this is sitting right in front of me. I wanted to do a good job, so I did. I pushed it out there and I'm finally done. I mean, I'm not done because I still have to find a job, but the task I originally wanted to take on is complete. What a strange sensation. 

So, what now? I dunno, draw a picture maybe. I haven't done anything mindless yet this month. Ever since I was given a deadline, I have been running on full tilt to make sure that I see this thing through. I have so far to go, in my mind, but I at least got the project done and out of my face. Am I happy with it? Meh.. but that's just how I am. I think it's okay to see your mistakes and know what you would fix or improve next time. That's the point of learning and growing at what you do. I gave up on being over critical though, because I needed to stop. I needed to tell myself that I'm good at what I do, and that I need to pass it on. So, there it goes, it's out there. Now, it's time to celebrate... or fall asleep on the floor again. It's very possible, and boy do I need a shower. 

Before I take off for the night, I just want to say thank you; for believing in me, for cheering me on, for kicking my ass when I wanted to pout and cross my arms, for telling me how awesome I am when I needed to hear it, for the words of kindness and wisdom, for every little thing that has helped me reach this point. You guys, you seriously destroyed my heart in the most positive and uplifting way possible. 

Group hug, I love you all! 

day 14: calm

It's 2am and I 'm taking a break from finishing my animation. Almost there. Gonna go to bed soon, and do a final edit in the morning and then it's done. Feeling pretty productive, but also super tired. I have been falling asleep on the floor a lot lately. I think this means things are slowing down, finally, and it's all a matter of waiting to see what happens. Taking big steps tomorrow, giant leaps.

Before I forget, Happy Valentine's Day! Love you all!

day 13: lucky 13

While I am able to relax just a little bit, for getting my work done in less than two weeks, the challenge now is finding a job. With only two more weeks until my last day of work, it's starting to sink in that I need to throw myself out there as much as possible, and see where it takes me. I am not applying for Design positions anymore, and that cuts off a major safety net for me. While I feel that it's tough to avoid, it's necessary to keep up with what I promised to myself. No more Design. Ugh, you have no idea how glad I was to send off my last company newsletter. Ever.

The burning question I've been asked is whether I quit or got fired. I'd say that this was a mutual agreement, that things just weren't working, and that it was becoming outwardly evident that I don't like what I'm doing. My position had been changed a few times, within the same company, to see if it would help cure my ennui and frustration. It's a different form of creativity that I find incredibly stifling, and really tough to ignore on a daily basis. Maybe it sounds foolish and flighty to pursue something more art based, competitive, and difficult to get into. Get on the internet and you'll see that there are tons of people out there, who get to do amazing things with their talents for a living. It's not impossible. I'm proving it to myself, and maybe to others, by going after it. There's no time for doubt and uncertainty. None.

Tomorrow is the big day. My animation/demo is complete, and though it's not at all how I envisioned it, or planned for, I know that it's the right thing to send. Originally, I wanted to create a sort of story; something that cleverly dictated how my mind functions on imagery and fantasy. Because I'm still learning how to animate, and build a solid story that flows properly; that sequence is being put on hold, though not scrapped entirely. I'm still going to animate stories for myself, I just can't allow any further delays. This means using work I've already done. Stuff that I didn't realize was so strong already.

The application requirements asked that I send a demo of my work, something simple, no sound, just 2 minutes (or less) of what I've done. Something that's easy to view, and a display of what I currently have going on. Not being able to create entirely new content was a challenge, because I always feel I can do something better than what I did the day before. This, unfortunately, is the problem; it's why I've been running in perpetual circles when it comes to pursuing my dreams of working in the industry. What industry is that? I guess you could call it entertainment? Art? Storytelling? I don't know. I have no idea where I fit in yet. All I know is that I have a gift I need to share, and it can be used so long as I have a pencil in my hand and the ability to dream big.

Sunday afternoon, I'm hitting send. I'm not thinking about it as anything fancy, just a job application that is like any other job application. I'm taking it as any other day and firing it over with my eyes closed. Reaching this point in time isn't at all what I envisioned, but I'm glad to be here. I just have some small details to polish up and then there's no more time to be wasted. It's taking a shot in the dark, to see what happens. If nothing happens, nothing happens. I'm not relying on it to be my only option. I feel I'm being realistic, keeping myself safe from nerves and expectations. If I build it up to be anything spectacular, though it is, it's going to ruin the experience for me and make me second guess it. No time for that. The worry, the doubt, the expectations, the procrastination. Nope, it's time to do this, now.

Sunday afternoon, I apply to Disney/Pixar. Fuck it.

day 12: boom, pow, blast

I sent out my last newsletter, and my first art resume, today. Pretty big deal. To celebrate, I'm taking tonight off. This is all you get. Be prepared for much more when my brains are charged.

Day 11: being me

I decided to switch things up for the day, just because I can.

11 Random Things About ME

Sunday is my favorite day, but not because of Jesus. 

I love hands. I feel that they tell stories. 

I have a weakness for buying notebooks/sketchbooks. I have so many on the go at once. 

My favorite ice cream flavor is coffee.

I haven't used a television in 3 years.

I got my driver's license -shortly- before I turned 30.

I harbour way too much information about: sharks, human anatomy, Star Wars, cartoons, and 1980s wrestling. 

My favorite movie is Back to the Future, Part 1 (only).

I have never been to a concert. Most of my favorite singers/bands are either dead or retired. 

You should never talk to me about chiropractors.

I have never tried peanut butter and jam, together. I'm not interested. 

Day 10: panic

Short and sweet, I'm starting to panic. I'm starting to ask myself how this is ever going to work in time. 18 days to find a job, and I have no idea where to look. I'm totally whining, and sorta crossing my arms about it because I feel I've almost overworked things. My brains are tapped out yet my mind wants to keep go-go-go-going. It's tough when you can't get things onto paper properly, because you feel that time is ticking away so quickly. 18 days?

Looking at the challenge, I can see this is why I resorted to design. It's an easy way out, in my mind, because with drawing, you have to find where your style can fit. Fortunately, I have a lot of styles and can adapt to pretty much anything; if I practice it enough and can learn from those around me. I just have no idea who will actually let me get my foot in the door and show what I can do. I'm tapping out, but I'm also going to bed with the thought that I can only try and see where it takes me. Whining is not a pretty thing, but here we are. I'm crashing...

Deep breath.

Day 9: time bomb

My writing skills are tapped out today. After such a busy week/weekend, and a hot bath, I'm sorta ready to call it a night so I can catch up with my brains. I'm pretty stoked that I got everything done so quickly, but of course there is a lot of anxiety to follow the high that I just managed to coast through without too much fuss.

I got my resume printed and ready to go, and my website is all up to date. It seems weird to not feel like time is pressing on me, other than the stress of wondering if I'll find a new job before my current position is up.. OR where I'll end up, if I'll be happy with what I get, if I'll fit in where I go, if I'll be in this city for much longer, OR how happy I'll be to never have to do another newsletter in my lifetime, if I have nice clothes for an interview, or if the work I've posted is good enough to land me a career in the industry, or if my experience is far too lacking to even make it anywhere BUT design, or if my drawing skills need more work to get noticed, or if I'm leaving behind something that is actually really good, or if I'm fucking up my entire future,  OR if I'm being totally ridiculous, or if it's just a blast of anticipatory anxiety....

It's going to work out. Time to call it a night, and just chill.

day 8: inspired inspiration

I don't know if I have any words to describe how I'm feeling right now, because I am not only mentally tired from a busy weekend, but touched, by all of the love and support that keeps pouring in from the people around me.

Based off of a selfie I took, in my favorite yellow scarf, by the lovely Mica Angela Hendricks. @busymockingbird 

This weekend, I received my first dose of fan art, and I have to say that I am almost speechless. To be reminded that there are people out there who believe in what I do, who love what I do, who are inspired by what I do, and who actually enjoy my excessive dog photos, and fart drawings... Seriously, it blows my mind. I feel pretty grateful for social media, and what it has done for me personally, as a creative. Passing the creative torch on to others is a really gratifying feeling. 

Breakfast with Magpie ears, by the talented @luckylocky1

I don't often consider myself to be an inspiration to others, or at least it's not something I fully acknowledge on a daily basis because this is honestly how I am. I want people to share, and create, and love what they do. When I post my artwork on social media, I'm doing so for the sake of putting it out there. I'm open to feedback and criticism, because I feel those things help me learn and grow as an artist. The more I share, the more others engage. I never imagined it would come so far as leaving an impact on others, to create and share directly with me. 

Kind words from @artisian_romeo: I took note last night that @breakfastjones like a few pictures last night and she is such an inspiration to me personally like I love all the things tshe does so I did a little diddle of her Aphrodite concept I hope you like it.

Knowing I've inspired even just one person, leaves my heart doubling in size. I almost feel kinda proud of myself, for influencing others, and to see that it is growing so rapidly in front of me. I'm on such an incredible roller coaster ride right now, I just want to raise my hands in the air and let out a great big yell to all of those who are jacked up by what I do. I didn't think I was capable, or at least I didn't expect to get this sort of attention. Thank you, everyone, for making me feel over the moon and inspired to keep going. 

There is strength and power in words, even if those words are expressed in pictures. 

days 7: busy bee

I know I missed a day, but that's a good thing because that means I'm busy! It also means I may have fallen asleep on my floor again, and woke up to go to bed, so I could be ready for a very busy weekend. I feel like the next few days are going to be a massive challenge on my patience and stamina, as I've jumped into the animation part of things; making my portfolio interesting and ... well, animated.

Taking the fun out of this is not an option. I don't have the time to get super picky, cross my arms, or attempt to keep up with my ridiculous expectations. This is my first shot, and I am only just scratching the surface of what I'm capable of doing in this medium. I guess you could say that I'm learning to give myself props for trying. Better than not trying at all, right? Damn straight. We all have to start somewhere.

My days are numbered. I have about 15 work days left, and it's starting to sink in. When my mind slows down from the process, I know it's going to start becoming super real.. and I might get a little sad. Have I mentioned yet how much I'm going to miss my coworkers? I dunno if I want to get into it fully just yet, but the realization of them not being in my every day is starting to sink in. They're what kept me here, after all. They don't really want to be responsible for that either, though. I'm also trying not to think too much about whether or not I'll get to stay in the city. This whole month is one big mind fuck.

The support I've received from everyone around me is really what keeps me going. From family, friends, acquaintances, to complete strangers who I only know by their @ names. It's amazing, and I feel so fortunate to have such a cheering team who believes in what I'm capable of. I have no idea what the outcome is going to be, but that's part of the fun of this adventure.

Let's carry on, shall we.

day 6: selfie entertainment

As the snow comes down outside, I decided to pull out my winter gear, and make my own selfie photo session; as it is my night off before a very busy weekend. It may be a form of procrastination, and it may even be a form of self reflection. Even if it's a bit weird, I know it is helping me get through the moment.

 I could easily sit down and be a grownup about this and ask what I'm going to do if things don't go as planned. Of course I've considered those things, but I don't have time to get caught up in them. When I catch myself crashing, I pick myself up by doing something odd and unexpected. A 15 minute dance party, a brief karaoke break, yoga, beer and a bath, a freestyle rap battle with my very confused dog. These things keep me on top of my game because it stops me from standing in my own way. Being weird has its perks.

I am glad that I know how to take the time to slow down, in between the moments of intense focus and stress. These artsy selfies are my way of taking small mind breaks, while still being creative. I feel more grounded when I can fiddle with things in between dissecting my thoughts. I value the silence that comes with the process, among the chaotic moments of voices all at once. We all need to rest and recharge. My mind is very busy, and I know I can exhaust it if I'm not too careful.

I don't feel it is wise to over think or anticipate things much further than right now. I do have moments of looking too far ahead, wondering how I'm going to deal with the fact that everything is going to change. Change can be quite startling, even if you know that it's coming. I mean change is constant, no matter what, but sometimes it has moments of being surprisingly disorienting. I don't think it'll do me any good to get lost in the possibilities of where my future may lead me. I'm only in charge of now. Impatience makes this realization a challenge.

Not every day is going to be easy, and I'm learning to accept when those days happen. I'm trying to conquer the world all at once, and it can be tough when things don't go completely as planned. I have so many things going on in front of me, it's necessary to take the time to stop, and get some distance, before jumping back into it. Crank the tunes, bust out some rhymes, growl at the camera, get a little weird, you might be surprised at how good it feels to escape and enjoy the moment. 

Right now, I'm doing alright.

day 5: no words

I'm overwhelmed in a number of ways, but my resume is nearly finished. I just wanted to take a shorty to say that the feedback from everyone, the support, the pep talks, the encouragement, and belief in what I do; it has given me so much to be grateful for. I will be writing about this more for sure, but I'm too anxious to think past this many sentences. Just know, I'm busting with appreciation.

Thanks, you guys.

day 4: cray is okay

Ever just need to remind yourself -over and over- that you are human, just to feel a little bit sane/safe within your own emotions? I feel like I can drift from one extreme to the other in a matter of minutes. My sensitivity is high, my paranoia is loose, my irritability shows up when I least expect it. I feel like crying, I feel like laughing my ass off; sometimes I do both. I've asked myself how I'm going to get through this; what I'm doing, why I'm here, where I'm going, what it's going to look like. I want the future, yet I don't want to lose out on right now. Time is fleeting, yet perpetual.

I dream about cats with claws, sticking to my arms. I'm lost in an airport/college/indoor pool. I've lost my shoes, I need directions, I need a ticket to ride the bus, that leads to a plane, that looks like an old fashioned car. There's an octopus that clings to me, and refuses to be put back into the ocean. Shadows swim below me, I'm stranded, I'm alone, I'm cold, I'm insignificant. A door closes, a phone rings, a voice calls out. It's just me and a big black wolf. I have to hide, I have to run, I have to get to work on time. Why am I always running out of time?

I go outside, to get some fresh air. I hear my breath, I look at the skies. Ursa Major. The Big Dipper. Something about it makes me feel grounded, because it is recognizable and always present. I look for it to gather my sense of direction. I ask it where I'll be the next time I see it. I gaze at it until I am almost lost. I realize that no matter what, it'll always be there. I'm here, it's there, we drift along in this crazy universe. Familiarity, outer space, the mysteries of this lifetime, you keep me grounded. I'm floating and falling simultaneously. 

I pick up my pens, I clean my kitchen, I pace around the spot where I should be working. I jot down a word, a thought, a note to self that I need to get eggs and milk. I fold up a blanket, pick up a sock, I throw a ball for the dog. Blank stare. What is going on? We sit on the floor, we fall asleep. More dreams of things clinging, and spinning, and running out of time. My feet are bare, my hands are cold. I wake up to silence and a flickering screen. I take a deep breath, I click some buttons and another step is done. I'm getting through this, I'm breathing, I'm dreaming, I'm screaming, I'm laughing, I'm wiping away tears.

It's going to be okay, the world keeps spinning. I can go just a little bit crazy if I want to. 

I am human