true colours

A couple of years ago, I decided to start an art project that changed my life entirely. I feel that all struggles can be conquered if we put them out in front of us. For me, I use art. It's how I've come to heal and understand myself. This project is incredibly special to me, and it makes me feel beyond vulnerable to share it, because I chose to use my body as a medium. The great thing about vulnerability is that when you face it, it transforms into strength. I would like to think this could somehow help others understand their personal struggles with their bodies, like I learned about my own. Regardless of the outcome, I really want to share this experience. So here I am, coming out from hiding.

For years, I'd struggled with confidence and body image. From how I valued my body, to how I reacted to the world around me. I could tell that I was hiding from something. It was difficult to face at first, but that's the reason why I set up personal challenges to begin with. To change. I wanted to see my body as something more than I allowed myself to see. A piece of art, maybe even something engaging, something beautiful. It's amazing, that due to our experiences, we can really struggle to see our beauty at all.

I feel so many women could take something from this project, because we rarely see ourselves as anything remotely positive. We can point out our flaws and imperfections, and yet, so many of us have so much to be proud of. I find this lacking gratitude toward ourselves to be sad and unnecessary, and yet I did the same. I still struggle. To get to the bottom of it, I decided to take my feelings and flip them on me, by showing myself what was hiding on the inside. Going back to the very beginning, I see how far I've come since then. (Deep breaths.) Here we go.

I threw on a layer of paint as a sort of barrier of protection. I find it funny that I actually felt terribly uncomfortable to be completely naked, even in the privacy of my own home. As my first photo illustrates (above), I was super nervous... maybe even a bit terrified. Still, I knew what my intentions were, and chose to continue to explore the light, and what angles I needed, in order to create the image I was looking for. I didn't go in with a specific plan, but I was hoping to make something visually inspiring that could alter my view of myself. Finding that took some time. 

I enjoy that the first colour I started with, was white. White is a colour of innocence, purity, new beginnings. As I look back at the first image, it really does touch a soft spot in my heart. This was a time when I had no idea how to view myself as anything more than what I was allowing myself to see. The more I ventured into the light (literally), the more I started to see how easy it was to alter my perspective. No one was telling me I wasn't enough, no one had said I was unworthy, ugly, or whatever I was trying to carry on my shoulders for no reason. It's when I realized that my own negative views were my own choice. The only one standing in my way was myself. 

And then, I finally stepped into the light. Eventually, I found an image where I caught myself by surprise, thinking, "oh wow, that's me?!" It felt a little wrong to feel so positively at first, but yet, being proud of ourselves is something we all need to practice. Think of how lucky we are to be alive, never mind what we have in front of us at this very moment. I started to think of the fact that my body isn't going to look the way it does forever. I suddenly imagined my older self, looking back at this image and thinking, "yeah, girl!" Meanwhile, we so often have the tendency to avoid the moment, dodge the compliments, and compare what we don't have, over what we do. It's amazing how many women I've met, who have looked at old photos of themselves and said things like, "if only I looked like that again," or "I used to be so thin." Think they felt that way about themselves when they were in the moment? Highly unlikely. Let your older self look in on you, and suddenly, you become much more than you allow your current self to see and believe in.

There seems to be a really big issue with confidence, and how it is so often mislabelled as selfishness or arrogance. Discovering my own confidence, during the process of this project, was both surprising and yet so necessary for me to see for myself. It made me realize that for a very long time, I was doing what I thought others expected of me. Like I kept myself at a certain level, so that no one would feel at all threatened by my actual capabilities. It starts on the playground, when kids are cruel. We call people names, we pick them apart; all due to our own insecurities. As adults, I still see this happening. We need to grow up! Rather than lash out at the world around you, ask what you need from yourself. When I realized my confidence, I was a little less guarded. I was free from my own negative perceptions of who I am, and what makes me a valuable person. It was a nice lesson, to be reminded that no one is out to get you. If they are, you can stand tall and be set to defend yourself. Just know, that when those defences aren't needed, we can almost aggressively keep people at bay, when we really want to let them in and share our best selves, together. 

But the truth is, I've been so prone to hiding. For over half of my lifetime I've struggled with a protective shell that comes from unfortunate experiences like abuse, abandonment, harassment, neglect, and ridicule. Those aren't easy layers to ignore, especially when our minds will work against us, to protect what has been hurt before. When people scoff and say things like, "let it go" I ask them to consider a little something called human psychology and conditioning. We don't just let go of what we know of the world when we experience certain things. It's when I get to explaining it a little differently for others to understand.

Ever meet someone who owns a rescue dog? There's something about them that is so incredibly nurturing, understanding, and patient; to see that they're urging an innocent creature out from hiding. When rescue dogs explore the new world, they do so with caution; as they've been hurt in such a way that can sometimes be paralyzing to their experiences. I say the same thing goes for people, and we need to offer that very same love and encouragement. We respond through what we know, and if you have been hurt in a way that has caused any form of trauma ... It's going to take a long time to shed that protective layer entirely and trust the world around you.

Sometimes, it never really goes away entirely, because our bodies react to the protective responses our minds create for us. Some people pack on weight, others -like I did- hide behind bulky clothing as a sort of protective shell. I realize that this is a continuing struggle for me, as I sometimes catch myself tucking away, especially from men, even when I trust them or begin to love them in my relationships. While my body might say I'm okay, my mind might not; or vice versa. With assurance, communication, respect, and patience, you can come out from hiding. Don't use your pain and experience as a shield of protection, wear it as your armour.

I'm going to say that being a woman is not an easy job. In society, there's a really funny pressure that comes with our appearances, and how being beautiful is more important than being seen as professional, or anything remotely serious. I used to devalue being a woman because I thought there was nothing good about us, except our bodies. I grew up with some pretty terrible examples to support that, so much that I had absolutely no respect for my own gender. I was just a walking body, and a man was there to do something with it. Sounds pretty harsh, but that's what I believed for a very long time. Fortunately, I've been lucky to have been proven wrong in my relationships, and the people who currently surround me and see my value. The downfall is that not all of the world agrees just yet. That's a really disappointing fact. Our world needs to grow up. It's why we need women to raise their voices about this stuff, and empower others to follow. It's why I'm here with this message.

(More deep breaths) And so, here is the image that changed my life (above.) The one I'm actually most proud of, and yet, the one I'm the most nervous to share. It's a bit... racy? Or is it? This image gave me some new words, that I didn't even consider to use when describing myself. I see it as something beautiful, strong, feminine, powerful, dare I say ... sexy(?) Me!? This image makes me see myself as so much more than I ever allowed myself to acknowledge. I look good. I felt good! I didn't know I was capable of such a feminine image.. because I'd been hiding from my own body for so long. The creeps, the pervs, the ones who make us -as women- never want to show our skin to the world, out of the fears of being put in a really terrible position of vulnerability. This image makes me feel kind of sad about how often I've hidden from expressing myself with this sort of confidence. I am blushing so hard and almost hiding my face about sharing this with the world so openly. There's nothing to be ashamed of, and yet my hands shake as I type this out. This is me, a woman, a walking, talking, Venus. I think all women need to discover their inner goddess and see it for themselves. We are far from weak. When I want to think of my brightest moment, my greatest achievement in self understanding and power, it's this image. It's my armour. 

I decided that this project will continue for a really long time, as I feel confidence takes practice in order to fully understand and embrace it. It's cool to go back to this series, which I started back in 2015, and to see that I've maintained some of the important lessons that I took from it. Like anything in this life of ours, in this complicated world, filled with experiences that shape us for the rest of our living years; we're going to have to practice how to stay on top of our game. It's why I believe that any form of weakness or personal struggle can be challenged to become something far more than a discovered strength. These are the healing powers that come with art and creation.
It's what I'm here for.

I realize that this is just the tip of the ice berg, and yet, so much more than I ever imagined to share with the world. I still have hundreds of photos of this project tucked away for myself to review, and continue to add to as I get to know myself. My message(s) may be a little lengthy and complex, but in simplest terms, I believe you have more to offer this world than you likely allow yourself to see. I've sat with this project for 2 long years, pacing, questioning, wondering if it was even worth it to share so openly. Maybe it's totally inappropriate, or too revealing, or absolutely absurd. Those opinions are yours, and we are entitled to believe all that we want; without having to fight for what is right. I'm just here to offer a voice, to share where I've learned something valuable about my strength and purpose. I hope I can touch even just one person, to take maybe a little piece of motivation from this, to understand that you got this. You are a beautiful, brave, incredible, a work of art. Show your true colours, and let them shine. You don't have to hide. The world needs you, right now.

art schooled

art work

A couple of weeks ago, I got myself a pack of 10 canvases. Considering I haven't had much of a relationship with painting -lately- it was a bit of a weird choice to go so overboard with my purchase. They were cheap, and a series was calling me. When I finally spread out my materials, shut off my distractions, put on my paint clothes, and decided to let my paintbrush do the talking, I saw something that surprised me.  I was coming from a place of distress. 

It has been a struggle to openly admit that I'm tired of the world. The anger, the immaturity, the pussy hats, the fighting, the pointing fingers, the war, the competition for who is hurting the most. It's so tiresome, and I don't feel I have to be part of it on a daily basis to classify as caring. Happiness is a recipe we all want to get our hands on, yet it is bashed and trashed for being too much. It's not a competition. I've decided that if I can't control the sanity of the world, I can at least control my own. 

Since becoming a paid artist, the disconnect from work and art have come to blur my vision. For years now, I've been doing it in an entirely different way from what is natural to me. My skills haven't improved, my drive no longer exists, I'm following lists of instructions from someone else's vision, in some ways I'm even dumbing it down so far below my capabilities just to play it safe for what is acceptable. Art isn't about reading minds, or doing what you're told. At least not for me. Ask any artist about custom orders and they'll likely tell you the same story. So soon as we're asked for reason, we shut down. It's what I believe kills creativity to begin with.

I've struggled with seeing the value of my position, even though there are a number of incredible artists who I look up to.  I don't know how to put myself in a higher position, or even see myself as intelligent, or brave enough to firmly believe that what I have to offer has far more value than a marketed price tag. It's where my confidence falls short, where I don't trust even my own voice, and why I'm pushing harder to understand what it is that keeps us standing in our own way.  All at once, I'm discovering my true value. This is a push to move forward. 

This is still a growing practice, putting myself out there. I don't even know where I'm going with it. All I know is that a lot of struggles are going on under the surface, along with what is going on outside. It's not easy to keep up with, and I feel that now is the time to really find the strength to get through this. You are in more control than you are led to believe. 

I'm here to help you.

the art of healing

I feel we could all use some time to acknowledge our strengths. In this busy world, it often takes an actual effort to make time for ourselves; where it becomes too simple to look past all of those things that really matter. The world has been in a flip floppy place. Emotions are high, feelings are vulnerable, and the tension is thick. I'd say it's almost toxic to get too close to it right now, and so, I'm pulling at my own heart to hear it out, and heal. It's time.

If there's one thing I'm good at, it's healing. The downside is that I had to learn through some really unfortunate experiences. I've been told that I'm more optimistic than I allow myself to believe, because when things become a natural habit, we often forget that not everyone feels or believes or behaves the same. Optimism isn't an easy thing to hang onto, when life gets real, and throws a punch or two in your direction. We can get totally knocked off of our feet, and have no idea when we'll land. It's when I call upon my creativity, to map out the journey to get there. I suppose that's a gift I should be more grateful for. I don't know what I'd do without it.

It's why I want to share more. It's something I feel people can get some real closure from, to express in their own way; once we get rid of rationalizing and trying to understand everything. I'm a great over thinker, but I never block myself from feeling it out.  If I did, I likely wouldn't be drawing anymore. It's why I feel sort of sad when I hear people say that they "can't" draw, when it's really a matter of trying. I feel creativity is what keeps our hearts alive and happy. Look at how kids play with their imaginations. I'm pretty sure most of us were like that at some point. I don't believe in ever letting that go.

When my grandma died, it was probably the biggest life altering experience ever. I had no idea how I was going to go on without her, and sometimes, even after 20 years, I think of her and wish I could sit at her kitchen table and just chat for hours. It's what we did best. When that was gone, it was absolutely like I'd lost such a part of myself that would never return. Loss has an incredible impact on so much around us, never realizing how much it takes from us, as we move forward as different people. This is life, and it's not easy to accept at all times. I just like to remember that I've gotten through it, and to a better place since then. I didn't think it was possible. I have my art to thank for that. It literally painted a picture of everything I was feeling underneath the surface. That's the beauty.. You get to see it all in front of you as you let it all out into the open. What's more special is that it's all yours to know, see, feel, and understand. It sort of builds a special relationship all over again, that no one but you will ever know.

I painted pictures of trees. It's something my grandma once said she'd like to come back as, if given the chance; so she could continue to provide for her family. We never planted a tree, but I chose to look at my surroundings as a comforting presence to bring her closer to me, for my own healing. The more I painted trees, the more I accepted that this was the shape she would forever remain. It's of course not the same as who I remember, but something I can go to if I ever need to get through those lumps of coping with life and death. It closes those gaps of distance that we have no control over. I am so appreciative for all of my tree paintings. I think it might be time to make another one, just to see how much has changed. I'm sure my grandma would be proud of who I am today.

I use my creativity to get through personal challenges. When I was heading to the island, in 2015, I drifted into isolation, and yet my art went into outer space. I realized my fears and curiosities of the unknown, and let it be a part of me. I was moved by Bowie's Space Oddity because the words inspired me to take the leap into an unfamiliar place, just to see what I could discover for myself. I will never forget the drive, and hearing that first strum of the guitar to start me on my journey. An image came to mind, my thoughts exploded, and before I could rest on the first night I arrived, I was in my sketchbook, recording these thoughts. This will always be a moment in life that I'll value forever. It's when I changed entirely, and found who I am. I sometimes still don't know who that is, but I know if I need guidance, I can pick up a pen and see for myself. 

Art is an act of expression, and it speaks in many volumes. It can come in the form of a painting, drawing, a song, a sculpture, a poem.. endless mediums that bring an incredible amount of healing and emotional discovery. I hate to admit that when shit gets bad, I look at it as an opportunity to make great things. It's like the Trump stuff. We're all sick of it, we're all fearful; but we can laugh for a moment at someone's comical depiction of him; because we need that relief from our feelings. It doesn't mean we don't care, it's just a reminder that we can find laughter in the face of so much negativity and in some ways terror. I just don't believe we have to be in that thick of emotion, in order to be a part of society. It's why I said that when Trump was elected, the world is going to have some amazing art to share. 

I'm looking to express, and practice more of my strengths; because the point of this post was for my own personal reminder. Healing takes time, and I believe we all go through moments of absolute despair and frustration. If you are in need of some relief from the real world, pick up a pen, sit down at your piano, dig out those scrap pieces of fabric, scissors, ink, a new journal for your thoughts. Don't deny your creativity the time to speak. If you're hurt, alone, sad, broken, beat; now is the time to pull out your finest.You know you have it in you, and so do I. There is so much to share with the world around you. It needs more love. 

I'm here for you.

the sinking horse

A little while back, I decided to illustrate something for self motivation. Much like how people use inspirational quotes, I rely on imagery and art. I'm inspired by stories and character; and the emotions that surround them. When I first saw this scene, from The NeverEnding Story, I remember feeling -once I got over how sad I was about the beautiful white horse getting dirty- that when it comes to personal struggles, sometimes you have to let the horse sink. It doesn't mean you're selfish, it doesn't mean you've failed, and it never for a second means that you don't care. Just sometimes, you have to realize which position you're in, before it's too late to ask for help.

This image makes me consider my own personal struggles. I've become more honest with myself when it comes to my insecurities, my frustrations with anxiety and depression, and how my self esteem honestly blows. I don't like to put that stuff out there often, because then I feel the need to over explain, so that I don't get emails from people who think I'm in a bad place with myself. I don't need to hear that I "don't need to feel that way", or that it's stupid for me to even be insecure at all. Being told your emotions aren't right is where the struggle begins, and I'd say that for many years, I've been the role of the horse; because I didn't know how to ask for help.

The NeverEnding Story (1984)

A few weeks ago, I fell on the ice and broke a rib. When it first happened, I was pissed at myself for being so stupid. Who falls on the ice? Why weren't you paying attention? How do you manage to make things worse for yourself at all times? It became less about the accident itself, and more about my personal downfalls. Pity party central, actually. Where do you expect to take yourself, when you only expect yourself to fail? It's exhausting. Don't be the horse. There really is no need. 

It takes a lot to know when it's time to let go. At least for me. I always try to work things out, to gain understanding, to somehow balance everything in order to say it's just fine. Taking on too much at once, can really result in too much weight to carry, which eventually leads us to the failure we've all been trying desperately to avoid. This whole experience, and this image, have taught me so much about myself, and how unnecessary it is to play both roles, at all times. As a good friend once told me, "just because you can do it yourself, doesn't mean you have to." Know your limits, reach out when it's needed, and you'll never be the sinking horse.

It's okay to ask for help.