breathing

It's been so hard trying to put it into words where I'm at, and what is going on in my world. Really, it's hard to describe because this whole thing has been so disorienting and unbelievable. I ask myself quite often "where am I?" Even out loud. Why not? It's been a bit of a blur.

Some days it feels unbearable; the idea that I don't have a "home" anymore, a job, the ol' routine, the life I knew for so long. Sure, I have a roof over my head, but I'm tired of this lifestyle of starting from scratch and not knowing where I'm going or how long I'll stay. I've lived a very long and unstable lifestyle that I'm ready to put an end to it, on my own terms. It's necessary for me to have that control.

In all honesty, the home that I left behind didn't really feel like home -in the back of my mind- for a very long time. I guess somehow I knew that I wasn't going to be staying long, and so I didn't really allow myself to fully settle in, just to be prepared for the unexpected. Even if it may have been semi-expected, it was not at all easy when that day finally came. This is not a sob story nor am I even complaining. This is what comes with living; you change, you learn, you keep breathing. I figure if you're still breathing, you don't have much to complain about. Pick up, carry on.

I've let go of so many things in the last few months, it's really quite amazing. It wasn't easy, it still isn't, but it taught me a lot about who I am and what I'm capable of. I said goodbye to the things that were once so important to me, I didn't think I could ever live without them; the familiar faces and places, my seat in the front window, where I'd drink my tea, watch the neighbourhood, do my writing or stitchy-bits, listen to the sound of silence on the mornings to myself. I know I'll find another comfort zone of my very own like that, one day. It's frightening (and maybe even fun) not knowing where that place is yet.

Each day is different, and the emotions that come with them are amazing, sometimes simple, intense and/or even totally unexpected. I have no idea what I'm doing... for the moment, that's just fine. I'm breathing.