break and build

I've tried to be brief with my posts. I have about 10 attempts in my drafts folder. I'm going to be real. I'm falling apart, I'm crashing, I'm not happy. This isn't a permanent thing. We're allowed to feel this way, it's part of the process. I am actually quite happy, in the mix of all of the emotions. It's part of embracing change. Try moving to an entirely new world you don't know, and keep a smile on your face at all times, by yourself. I may be smiling daily, but I still ache. Let it happen. Christ, let it happen. It doesn't mean you're broken. Also, it doesn't mean you're bad for feeling it.

Someone asked me recently, "are you okay? You seem unhappy." Well, I am. I mean, I'm not, but I am going through something you'd call sadness. Why? What on earth is wrong? Look at where you are! Um, back up a minute, let's talk. Sometimes the pressure to answer this, turns into more questions and confusion. It's life, people break, people feel weak, people push themselves down. I'm there, it's allowed. I'm also repeating this to myself to remember that it is actually okay. It really is allowed. I've been fighting the sadness, and it only leads to mental and physical exhaustion. I ache, like I've been running a marathon for days. That's sadness winning the race. It happens when there is too much to keep up with. It's sneaky that way. Sometimes, you don't even see it's there.

I worked hard to get here, yet I always tell myself I could work harder. I'm a worker, I'm a thinker, a feeler, a doer, a maker, a giver, a presenter, a reflector. I'm always moving, I'm always going, I'm always trying new things. I feel amazing, yet I feel so tired and wasted. It's all part of how I accept the changes. Let it be. I'm not going to careen into a pit of despair and feel sorry for myself. I might, momentarily, but that's what emotions do. I'm in a new place, I'm running a business on my own, I'm trying to keep up with everything at once. Sometimes, I feel this was a dumb choice to come here. When I feel dumb, I crash, I bash, I burn. Is it dumb for me to work for myself? Is it dumb if I can't keep up with so much at once? Am I going nowhere as an artist, because of these struggles? Do I throw in the towel to avoid further embarrassment? If I stop, do I fail? Oh, jeez. Get over yourself, Kendyl. Everyone struggles, and only some choose to give up.

I moved during the slowest time of year (for business), to a new province. I knew it was going to be an expense, and I worked hard to save up for it. I did it. I still can't believe I did it. Getting here was the reward, yet I was always fixated on the moment, and how I was going to survive the next step. Emails, transfers, packing, shipping, emails, time, schedules, stock. I am every position of my new job. For the most part, I love it and think I'm doing alright at it. I like having control, and using my own methods. I know I could do better. It's okay to challenge yourself to do better, so long as you don't run yourself dry. I'm good at that. I'm working to change it. So much change. Endless change.

Being on the road, to get here, was the most incredible feeling. Seeing the mountains come at me, hearing the silence of my own fear and intoxicated wonder. I floated. I honestly felt I floated here. It was the easiest journey I've had, yet it was the toughest choice. I left a life I knew, for something I currently know nothing about. It's curious, it's interesting. I packed up my life and I moved. I told myself to go on an adventure. In our minds, we think, "oh wow! The adventures will be endless! The mountains, the ocean, the trees, the unknown! Amazing!" Yes, it is. But, it is also terrifying to do it alone. I made that choice, and that choice sometimes crashes down on my shoulders. Why? I'm human. No better answer than that. But, if I choose to let my choices wreck me, that's a choice that doesn't make sense. Change is refreshing, rewarding, a renewal. It comes with the wave of emotions involved; even the bad ones.

I have cried. I have sat on the ground to touch it and imagine I'm back in my backyard, in Edmonton. I've imagined my friends and their smiling faces, there to pick me up. Yet, when I was in Edmonton, I spent a lot of time on my own. I did a lot of picking myself up, too. I just don't always know when I need my friends for assistance. I'm independent, but I don't need to be alone. Asking for help is okay, and I did just that recently, without even realizing that's what I was doing. I had fallen apart, temporarily, and they gave me some real talk. They reminded me that what I'm doing is amazing, and I don't need to feel rotten about feeling amazing. I am not doing this all on my own. I'm not at all alone, like I sometimes feel I am. They're here with me, just in a different way.

I didn't know I was struggling so hard, until I saw it in front  of me. I've been inspired constantly by what is around me, I've had moments of saying thank you to every moment that takes me there, I've smiled hard, I've laughed out loud, I've said "holy shit!" to the landscapes as I pass them. I'm more than thrilled to be here, so I thought I was happy.. I thought I was okay. I'm coming back to myself in such a good way. I thought to myself, "cool! Let's bust it out!" I was stoked. I still am. Remember, you can feel more than one thing at a time. Sadness lingers. Sadness tucks itself away. Have you seen Inside Out? Go.. it makes perfect sense to me, from seeing it.

To dip to the side for a second, I've been working on a personal project. I decided to do something with colour, with paint, to express what I'm feeling in my own skin. Yes, it involves getting naked, it involves sharing pieces of myself that I'm still nervous to share. I don't want to share it so openly yet, because I don't know how it will be received. It's personal, but I'll say this.. I didn't notice that my body was telling me something else, until I chose a new colour. Funny enough, the colour was blue. When I took the photos I could feel my tension, I could sense I was impatient. When I looked at the photos, I saw sadness. It got me back in touch with myself. I became aware, by challenging myself to feel something I didn't know I was actually feeling. I saw the blues, I saw them fast. It was pretty incredible. Of course, I have much to share, in regards to this project. Another time. It's too big for this post. Kinda glad I put it out there, just now.

I'm going to end it here because I have so much to keep up with. I have a job to do, and I'm not doing it well. I'm not structured, I'm not focused, I'm not even paying attention to what I'm doing... yet I'm doing the exact opposite by always being on, and working. It's like I have to break down, let it out, let the pain go, let the positives return, let those things be, and just enjoy. I'm not selfish for being here, I'm not heartless for coming, I'm not dumb for believing in myself ... I'm grateful, open, and I'm strong, for making it to right now. I left to be with myself. I left to learn. I just need to be reminded, on occasion, I haven't gone anywhere. I'm not alone.

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