time to thank you

I recently read some interesting messages -on social media- about selfishness, this week; which sorta hit home because it seems to be a common issue. Well, it's still a confusing topic, to be honest, and I'm trying to write about it without any passive aggressive finger pointing, but it's a thing that I've encountered a few times this year.. and I'll be even more honest when I say that I'm fucking sick of it. Maybe that's a selfish thing to say. I don't even know anymore.

I express myself through social media. Primarily, Instagram. It's where I keep a visual journal of what I do with my days; it is also where I maintain my business. It's my life. I'm not posting to gain any sort of attention, I'm doing it to share with whoever it might touch or inspire along the way. My goal is to teach people the benefits of creation; that being silly, serious, or even vulnerable, can be inspiring. I'm honest, I'm open. It's something that started out entirely for me, but it has expanded. It grows almost constantly, along with my heart. I'm grateful, I'm inspired, even more so in return.

Daily, I receive messages from total strangers, who are jacked up by what I do. Some of them share their own creations, while others just have special words to pass along about how I've somehow inspired them. This honestly never gets old, to me, because it's something I want people to embrace for themselves. It feels good to create, and it feels even better to share it with others. Is this selfish? I have to check in on this to see if I'm missing anything. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Outside of the internet, I live in a real world. I'm in a world that is entirely new to me, so much that I go most of my days entirely alone (with a dog.) Of course, I made the decision to come here, and maybe that was selfish, too. Should I remain in the same damn spot, for the sake of others? I certainly hope not. Maybe that is selfish to say. I had a chance to try something new, to expand, to experiment, to grow; on my own. No one is here to hold my hand, but me. Is it less selfish to ask others for help? I don't even know. I honestly don't. I choose to do it for myself, because to me, that feels necessary.

I was in a funk when I arrived, because I struggled with this sensation of selfishness. I felt like an asshole to leave the town I had called home, the friends I had made, for something I didn't even know. I felt guilty for feeling good, for taking a leap into something new; for where it might take me. People have the tendency to feel left behind, like happiness means you're moving toward forgetting the things that matter. No, the things that matter join you. Simple as that. It has absolutely nothing to do with selfishness. Selfishness belongs to those who feel your success and happiness is a threat. Leave them be. That tantrum is not yours to tend to.

The positives can be terrifying. I'm sick of apologizing for moving forward, I'm sick of feeling bad for doing well, I'm angry at feeling like a dick for actually being proud of my achievements. I've worked my entire life to get where I am, and yet, I'm wasting precious energy trying to guess at what makes others happy; because they feel threatened in some way. I was bashed before I left, and I was bashed when I landed. Part of that bashing came from myself, because I knew, I felt it, that I'd be asked to pay. It's been an interesting go, seeing who my real friends are in this whole adventure. Goes with the season of change. It hurts, I have to be honest; but change is always good for the soul.

Only I can mend what is currently hurting and challenging me, every day. Yes, I willingly came here, yes, I'm supporting myself doing what I love. Yes, it's beautiful. Regardless of what is well, does anyone know how fucking hard that is to face it all, alone? I'm not entirely alone, so to speak, but absolutely, there are days where I don't even utter a single word, because it is just me. I enjoy my own company -to an extent- because I feel it's necessary. Perhaps this causes me to be less needy to others. I personally think it's a gift, to give yourself joy. I'm thankful I possess this gift. Yes, I think we should all thank ourselves for what we've done to get here. High five yourselves for being amazing. Seriously. I mean that with all my heart. Selfish? Yes, I'm seeing it all more clearly.

But really, have you ever lived entirely on your own? Gone to bed, walked around, woken up, day in, day out, entirely on your own? I'm asking nothing from anyone because I have myself to depend on. Myself. Why is being your own best friend seen as a certain threat? It doesn't mean I don't care for anyone else but myself, I just know that right now is a crucial time to be my biggest supporter.. when it's just me here to support ME. Doing your goddam best is not a threat to those who truly care for you. If time and kindness are used as a certain debt that you are expected to pay in return, that is not kindness at all. Kindness is something you willingly give to others, without any expectation of what comes back. Yet, why am I being told so often that I'm the selfish one for what is being given to me? I know I'm a giving person, so I'm left feeling baffled. So baffled. Maybe I just need to learn how to say 'fuck off' more firmly...without feeling bad for it. Yes, maybe.

I took myself for a walk today. I went, by myself, with my silent companion in tow. We walked for what seemed like hours, until there wasn't a sound to be heard, but our own breath. The silence was haunting, beautiful, enchanting, and refreshing. Today was a day of thanks, where people gather to be with their families. Here I was, alone, in the forest, in a place I still barely know. I stood, frozen, yet totally blown away by what has become of my life. I said out loud, to the trees, to the sky, the clouds, the rocks, the leaves on the ground, "thank you." Thank you for showing me, I'm not alone.

I was recently told that I seemed happy, like it was a bad thing. Like focusing on my own happiness is a threat to someone else's universe. Like I'm leaving someone behind, as I explore my own life for what it is. It's not the first time I've been shot down in such a way, or accused of purposely ignoring someone else's needs that are not my own. Last time I checked, we were put on this world to fight our own battles. If I'm not providing something that you need from yourself, seek it from yourself. I know for a fact, I am not selfish. I'm just sick and tired of being told so. If I am in debt to your kindness or efforts of being what is supposed to be a friendship; it's an effort that should no longer exist. Friendship requires no effort, it is a natural thing. I'm thankful for knowing this. My heart is kind, my heart is wise. That's not a selfish act. That's knowledge. I feel the world could use more of this.
Thank you.

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