in circles

I'm trying my best to keep my writing simple. The trouble I have is that I get a thought, and then I get excited about a number of things at once; then I write a bunch of stuff I can't keep up with, losing the thought entirely in the end. I don't see any of it as a bad thing, because writing is a certain therapy for me; but I see that my mind gets caught in a loop, and goes for a ride.. sometimes leading to places where I get a little lost. I'm happy to have such an active mind, but I'm also learning to take time for it, to stop, entirely. I catch myself running on empty a little too often not to do something about it.

I like to understand how my mind works, and really listen to what I need in order to feel more positively about the things around me. I'm the happiest I've felt in years, and yet, my anxiety is at such a steady high. I realize that this sort of thing happens when I'm not considering my needs. My mind and body need time to turn off. Sometimes I go to bed and things keep going. It's no wonder I've been so lethargic. I can't afford to fall behind, and funny enough, catching up involves taking it slow.

I put so much of myself in what I do, as a profession, that it's really not a surprise that I can run myself down into a state of depression, and self inflicted (coffee) anxiety. For a very long time, I felt like I was a hamster on a wheel; rushing to make sure my work was done for the next person, and the next, and the next, and the next; I hardly gave myself notice. This went on for a really long time, until I realized that my own happiness really needed to be included in this cycle of giving.

I recently heard someone say that 'we are no longer our 10 year old selves, and yet we are still our 10 year old selves." I loved this quote because it is exactly where I am right now with self acceptance and who I have always been, and what is actually mine. I've come to accept some really big responsibilities, and also embrace some of my greatest strengths. I care hard, I'm sensitive, I can cry at the thought of someone being hurt. I'm built to love. It takes time to learn how to let those vulnerabilities out, and see them as your strengths. My need to cry when I'm upset or hurt by something isn't going to change. When I get mad, I spout and pout, until I work it out. If someone doesn't like it, it's not mine to fix. Trust yourself, and value your worth. When you change how you care for yourself, it alters what care you receive from others. Not even kidding. My life has changed so much because of it.

I realize that my posts might be a bit redundant when it comes to self love, time, and finding happiness. The truth is that I just want to share how it has worked for me, because happiness is a constant effort that you can only get from yourself. I may be the happiest I've been in years, but I'm also in the biggest state of transition. I'm letting go of some really tough shit that I've dealt with through the years, and when I reflect on those things; I see that I spent a really long time not providing myself with much love or respect. Especially in my relationships. Not to get too personal, but a solid example:

I was once in a relationship where I was cheated on multiple times. The evidence was in writing, and sometimes left plainly in front of me to discover; yet I chose not to acknowledge it for what it was. Instead, I put this weird pressure on myself to prove that person wrong, to show them that I was good enough to be loved; because I have always known my true value. For a long time, I took this treatment as my own responsibility. I even felt that maybe I deserved it, because I'd made my own mistakes that I didn't know how to face. Once I took that time and forgave myself, I stopped allowing myself to be treated poorly by anyone. That's why I say that self love acts as a filter for people who don't belong. Self love doesn't allow you for a second to be treated like the bag of shit I once thought I was. It's sad, and yet I laugh out loud, to think I was ever in such a place. You should never ever have to run in circles, to show someone your worth. Offer yourself love, and others will follow. Truly.

I've been giving myself some new challenges, to embrace change, encourage more of the positive, and to remind myself that change takes time, effort, and absolute maintenance. I have a number of projects on the go, including a 100 day challenge, called The Great Discontent, where I decided to call mine The Great Disconnect. This 100 day project (doing something creative for 100 days) goes with my incentive to limit my time with technology, because of how social media actually affects my social habits. It's tough to describe, but as an introvert, I have an absolute limit when it comes to how much social interaction is 'enough' for me in one day. When I noticed myself lose touch with some of my relationships and even my own art/passions; I decided to do something about it. I'm enjoying the freedom of turning things off and being present. 100 days, one photo only, and one thought to go with it. To see what I've been up to, check out @kendylitis on Instagram. I'll be there.

Now that I've come to acknowledge my limits, and my needs, I am only just branching out into a healthier environment of what, to me, is real. I have a lot on my plate when it comes to self discovery, which is why I find personal projects, and daily challenges, to be so helpful. Creative expression is a healer, and I feel that we can get to know ourselves so well when we take that time to let it out in front of us. I've learned so much in just 41 days, and it doesn't stop. And while most of my posts about happiness may seem a little repetitive for how often I express it, I'm just stating the truth. I'm happy because I worked for it. If you want something to change in your life, do something. Simple as that.. yet not simple at all. Be there for yourself, and you'll see. 

You're amazing.  You deserve to be treated that way, by others, and yourself.

1 comment:

Scream Queen B said...
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