oozing hearts

It has only been three days, and I feel my self esteem just got a major makeover. How the hell did I get here? It's like I feel this incredible sense of power, for getting to show myself that I am actually capable of doing what I do best, and survive. I mean, it's only been three days, but man; the amount of feedback that keeps pouring in, along with the requests for work. Eeek! My goodness. Really, I can't believe it. I feel so lucky to be me right now; doing what I love, and what I know/do best. It's like I have a voice, and it's being heard, loud and clear.

I know not every day is going to be easy, as a freelance artist, but to be able to enjoy the moment and focus on how to keep up with it and plan ahead; it feels good. I have no idea how I'm going to feel about this weeks from now, as things are new and everyone is excited that I'm -finally- available to work freelance after a year+ of keeping very quiet about it. It may have been part of the plan, to build up a client/fan base, to show them (and myself) what I'm capable of doing, and to also have some fun with my brains again. I found my voice that way, I'd say. It's not an easy task when you're not the most confident person, but damn, I'm proving myself wrong almost constantly.

I feel that I have/had my anxieties toward freelance, because of my past experiences. When I first started out, I was very unprepared; as I had no idea how to network, communicate, or even get myself to do things for others without getting super worked up about it. I still have my moments, where I fixate on mind reading over trusting my instincts with what to do. I feel I've learned to take breaks and walk away, until I allow my natural voice to come out and shine. It feels good to be honest, and see the positive response when I express myself naturally. I feel very loved and appreciated for what I do. Seriously, I'm overwhelmed with gratitude... for being who I am. It's a strange realization of self acceptance. This is me, and I'm cool with it.

It's incredible, to sit down and tell myself that this is what I'm meant to do, after looking back at the years of struggle I had with keeping up with something I simply couldn't do. I mean, I wasn't incapable, since I managed to be a graphic designer for 8 long years; but damn, it makes sense why I was so moody about it. It's hard to fake it with a smile, when your heart and soul is elsewhere. I was exhausted by keeping up with my full time job, because I hated putting my energy where it didn't belong. Now that I have the chance to grab my pencils/paints and say that this is all I do, and live off of it.... man, oh man, I just won the lottery at life. I'm working almost constantly, and yet it doesn't feel like work at all. That seems to be just right, if you ask me.

This is where I belong. I was created to create, and I feel incredibly lucky to get to make something out of it thanks to the people around me who support and fully believe in me. To hear so much positive feedback from people who find me to be cool and inspiring (me? cool?), people who choose to share with me what they have created because of me, people who have actually picked up their pencils because I managed to spark an interest in their creativity again, because I'm good at what I do...!? This, my friends, is gold. I am sitting on a gold mine that I made for myself, and it's oozing with love for what can come out of sharing your gift, your passion, your natural ability. I feel I can sleep easy because I feel proud to be who I am. You give me so much hope and confidence. I feel amazing to be here, right now, in this moment.

Thank y'all so much. I mean that.

No comments: