picking up pieces

Since my previous post, I have received such incredible feedback from the people around me, it's amazing. This is why I share what I feel... including the downfalls. We all have them, and when we share, it provides a certain strength to know we aren't alone. This isn't what I originally intended my blog to be here for, but I'm glad that it's doing something, other than just letting the Dear Diary(s) out of my system. I'm a feeler... this is how I roll. I'm always going to express my thoughts as they appear. I'm just so glad to see people open up and share their experiences with me.

That's why I do personal projects, like my body paint colour series. The colours have started to represent my emotions and express what is going on under the surface. While I'm still a little too shy to share it all, I'll say that purple turned out rather interesting, and more intense and powerful in comparison to the blue I was wearing, before. It's shocking, what comes out, when I do each colour. I don't plan it, or know what to expect. I'll just say that I'm glad to see that purple illustrated something that looked like the process of ripping myself apart and putting the pieces back together again. I am in love with what this project is teaching me. Again, I'm trying to figure out how to share it all, bravely. It'll happen... Separate topic.

This past week was the first week where my days finally had structure. I took an entire day to dissect my workspace, write the words of motivation that I needed, and lay it out in front of me. I confided in my friends; they listened, provided their own two cents, and even gave me shit for the pity party I was throwing. I still don't know why I feel so guilty for being happy, or that I fear I'm going to fail before I begin. When we get fixated on the fear of failure, guess what we do...We make it happen. Why? To avoid that surprise we're terrified of. Neat, but not cool. Get off your ass and fix it!

I managed to get real. I had to sit down and write it out and remind myself that there is a lot to take in. I'm in a new place, I'm learning so much at once, I have to take extra time to breathe and rest, because rest helps the momentum. I need to keep myself and my business rolling. If I overdo it -like I was doing since I arrived here- I run dry, I fall down, I crumble, and I stay in the spot I don't want to be in. I don't have time for that shit, because I've worked my lifetime to get to where I am, today. Self sabotage, you can see yourself to the door, thanks.

I'm still learning how to be proud of myself, with confidence. I have no idea how to be my own cheering team, and that is gradually changing as I let myself figure out the process of what I do. When I stop myself from over thinking the job, I do it right. I'm learning how to trust my voice, as an artist, over trying to play detective and guess what someone expects of me. The amount of pressure I put on myself to be amazing is too much. My concept of what is good is a little too much for what I can actually keep up with. I set timers for myself, I also take moments to meditate before I jump in. When my mind is clean and clear, my work shines. When my work shines, guess what happens... I shine, too.

Being in a new place, the emotions are going to take some time to catch up with. I've been meaning to write more about the things around me, but I'm still super overwhelmed by it. It's beautiful, it's immense, and I feel so insignificant in the best way. It's incredible how much of a healer nature is. I suppose that's why we call her 'mother'. She nurtures, she listens, she sends gentle breezes as a reminder that we are going to be okay. I have so much more to cover on this subject. Really, look at what I'm seeing. How do I put it into words? Gah! Fuck! This world is unbelievable. I'm in such a good place, I know I'm going to love it even more as I get to know it better.

And then, there's this little companion of mine. Man, am I so glad to have him here with me. I have thanked him every day for making me laugh, for being present in my days, and for being such a huge part of this point in my life. He is the first face I see when I wake up, and the gentle breath that puts me to sleep at night. He has become more to me than just my dog. He is my best friend, and my security. Damn, I love him so much. It's amazing how something so small can take up so much of my heart. He is just the greatest friend a girl could ever ask for.

I'm going to be fine, I'm going to do great. I'm going to figure my shit out and do even better than I did yesterday. It really does take time to catch up with yourself, when you're not sure how to react or feel about the things around you. With the massive list of emotions aside, this is the best place I could be. I worked hard to get here, and I will continue to do what I am meant to do. Thank you, for catching me when I fall. All of you.


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