personal work

It started with one image, and it took me somewhere. It brought me out of a really stubborn funk. I didn't know how to shake it, but I let it come out through a little personal project. I suppose this post is about how personal work differs from the real work, and how personal work is just as important as the work that puts food on the table. 

I love when a series can teach me a little about myself. I realize that since returning to the city, after having spent 4 glorious months in the wilderness, I am going through a major withdrawal from nature. I'd even say that it has been depressing for me, to return to city energy. It is far more frantic, tense, distracted, and impatient. Why are we in such a big hurry? Why do we glaze over and stare at our phones so often? Where is the real connection? Where is the presence of absence? Why don't we stop and enjoy shit? It grosses me out, how much we're missing out on, right in front of us. The trees, the stars in the sky, the landscapes, the clouds, the rivers, the valleys, our loved ones. It's all right there! I decided to take my frustrations, and focus on my own energy. It's all I can do, really.  If I give it time, if I let it breathe, if I express; it slows down and it blooms into something quite beautiful. How you take it in, how you let it out, is a choice. Breathe.

This series also reminded me of natural beauty. There's power in beauty, there's power in knowing who you naturally are, there's power in being a woman born on this earth. To think that there are people who jack themselves full of toxins to have fuller lips, more defined cheekbones, bigger boobs, tight asses; it's terribly sad. Society is so caught up in the shiny things, it's tough to notice the real beauty that is right there in front of us. We don't even appreciate our own skin anymore. I cling to nature, and hope she teaches more people to go with the flow in which she glides with. Life is life. We all die. Who cares if we look our age? We are all beautiful as we age, as we grow, and we become more of ourselves. Personally, I think aging is sexy. Natural beauty.

Personal work is so important, and yet it can be tricky to give time to. When there is real work to do, I find it difficult to put myself first, because it feels selfish. It took a lot to get myself to listen to what my mind was telling me, because I created my own guilt. I even imagined my own audience; sitting, waiting, asking me why I wasn't working on their -paid- projects. Personal work is just as valuable as real work because it helps with the process. When you repress what needs to come out, it builds tension, it wears you thin. It's like tucking yourself under the rug. It isn't healthy. Let it out. I was actually quite exhausted before I started this series, and I couldn't sort out why. As soon as I got to the third image, I felt like I could run a marathon...with my mind!

Before I knew it, I had 5 images completed in one day. It surprised me, as I looked at the clock and saw 4am roll by. I wasn't tired. I was excited. I was on a roll, but I had to tell myself to stop for the night. I was happy to be excited with my work again. I woke up the next day and approached my real work with ease. I was happy with what I was creating, and as I got into the swing of pumping out projects, I realized the personal work was actually helping me. It was also cheering me on. You CAN do this. You are good at what you do! You make amazing things! You're inspiring others! You've inspired yourself! Go you!

But, what's the difference when it's almost the exact same work as what I do every day? Well, it's the process of thought and expression that is entirely different. I'm relying on myself for the imagery, I'm creating something new, something that doesn't require a photo for reference. I'm not copying a face that exists, I'm not working for anyone but myself, I'm not working to please anyone but myself. It's a totally different ball game, and it helps my mind breathe. Creatives need to express themselves. It really is as necessary as breathing. 

I realize that I was miserable when I worked in an office, because I wasn't able to express myself the way I needed to. I was simply doing work for someone else to take for themselves, without a thank you, without any feedback. Creatives are emotional. Yes, we love the pat on the back, because we put ourselves into everything we do. With the work I do now, I'm beyond happy. I'm an entirely different person, because I get to see where my work goes. It touches people. It inspires people. It brings people together. This is incredibly beautiful to me, and I feel amazing to get to call this my job. This is where freelance has saved my life. There is no reward in the corporate world. Not for me, at least. It's not about the bigger pay check, or pleasing someone with a tie. The reward is in personal growth and knowledge, the ability to see that what you do actually makes someone feel something positive. I wouldn't give it up for anything. 

To encourage my work flow, I started to use my personal work as a reward, to end my day. If I could send out an X amount of orders in a day, it meant I was allowed to do something for myself; without the guilt I was only putting on myself for no good reason. I have a horrible habit of devoting all of my energy into what I do, because it's easier for me to give to others. It sometimes takes hours for me to even disconnect, because some parts of my work don't feel like work. I feel lucky to get to do what I do, but it doesn't mean it needs to be my every waking moment. When I let my work consume me, it does exactly that. My energy was tapped out entirely almost a week ago. And now, I'm ready to take on more. All because of this series.

People love when things are personal. It's part of how this series came to be. It isn't a coincidence that the Taurus illustration looks a little bit like me, with dark hair and freckles. It's my sign, and I wanted it to be something special that I could smile at. It took me back to how nature makes me feel, how I feel as the woman I am, when I was born, how I've grown to be who I am today. There are pieces of myself that I'm only just learning how to put out there, without reluctance. This series oozes with delicate femininity. When I see this as a part of myself, it makes me feel good about who I am today. I've softened, I've loosened up, I've opened myself into things I would have normally feared. I'm happy to see those pieces of myself surface. It pleases me to see that in this series. Personal work is a healer inside and out, because it is simply that... it's personal! I'm so proud of it, and because of that, I'm proud of myself.

It takes a lot for people to be proud of themselves, because we live in a world that is often threatened by the happiness of others. If you can make happiness seem easy, you're doing a good job. It's not easy, at least not all the time. If you can figure out how to provide yourself with it, it becomes stronger and a natural part of your life. I'm happier than I've been in years. And I mean maybe even decades. I'm learning to let myself embrace who I am, love what I do, without worrying if it seems selfish or arrogant. If you don't know the difference between arrogance and self love, maybe you need to take more time to sort it out. Self love is essential to happiness. If you don't love who you are, then no one else will. I feel deeply loved these days, and it shows in my work. Happiness shines when you let it out. If someone doesn't like it, let them have their clouds to themselves. Life is too short to bother.

To be able to inspire others with what I do, inspires me even further. It's like a never ending cycle that creatives live off of; which is why I am in so in love with visual social media, such as Instagram. I've managed to create a certain community that I can reach out to when I need the guidance, advice, or maybe even a little "me too!" to remind me that the personal lulls are part of the process. It's tough for creatives to admit that we can't just make amazing things every waking hour of the day. Believe me, if we could, we would. We live off of giving to others. That's why when the silence spreads, it lays on thick. It's like missing a big piece of yourself. The beauty is when you find it again. It always returns. Don't you worry!

Lastly, this series reminds me of personal growth. When I was in BC, I was inspired by nature, and I worked on an entirely different series that involved ladies with flowers in their hair. I love where this whole thing has taken me, and I'm glad that I'm so different than who I was even this time last year. I've grown, I've come to understand who I am, what is important, what makes me the person I am today. I'm going to grow old, I'm going to let nature tell me when it's time. This is a beautiful world filled with growth, loss, lessons, and so much love. I'm so proud of myself for finding this series, and allowing myself to heal through it. This my friends is why personal work is necessary. Do yourself a favour and make something for yourself. Make it yours, and see where you go. 

So much love.

more of this

I took the advice of one of my best friends, and decided to take the time to celebrate. After all that has gone on lately; just stop, breathe, and say thank you for the moment. It took a lot to get here.

I'm still coming back to myself, as I catch up with life, and get to know my new home. It feels good to be in this moment, and see just how far I've come, how long it took to get here, what I've learned along the way, and who I am today. It was a very long, emotional, struggle; I'll admit that I'm still a little bit exhausted. I'm catching up, I'm breathing. Stop and celebrate. You made it.

I survived one full year of being a freelance artist. A year of providing for myself. A year of learning how to take what I love and give it to others. The connection is my pay check. The feedback is my fuel. The achievements are my confidence. I worked so hard to get here. Celebrate.

I feel lucky to have such wonderful friends who remind me to stop and be proud of where I am. It takes a lot to take it all in, but I see it. I think we should all take more of these little breaks and be proud of ourselves for all that we have in front of us. Life isn't always easy, but it is what you make of it. It's a beautiful thing.

Celebrate.

home sweet home

It feels wrong to complain about missing things, when I am lucky enough to have such things. I have a bed to sleep on, a loving supportive family (including my friends), a place to call home. It was moving day today. It was exciting, but I felt it in my gut that something would go wrong. My storage unit was broken into, and my things were stolen. I don't really feel much, to be honest. Mostly numb. So numb from this entire experience.

It feels gross when someone has clearly invaded your space. It is saddening to know that people will steal without any remorse or conscience of what they're actually doing. The big black footprints on my couch are a reminder that someone was there. I look at those footprints and see someone who is likely sad. No, not all people are terrible. Some are, and I feel bad for them. I can only hope they learn how to live more kindly. Or maybe karma comes in a box similar to the one that they broke into.

While it is a mess, and yet more headache to deal with, when I'd hoped it was all over; it's a certain loss that leaves room for something new. I mean, I have things to replace with new things, and things are things. I went 6 months without those things, and though it was sad to see what had happened today; there's always a way to fix these losses by focusing on what you have over what you don't. I have much to be happy for...

I have a place to call home. That's where the heart is.

listies

I made a list the other day, to encourage even more positive use of time. I want to see how this benefits my state of mind, my lifestyle, my work, and my energy. I was surprised by what I put on this list, but I have to admit it makes me kind of excited to try it. This is what I wrote:

No Facebook
For the month of March, I have decided to drop my personal Facebook profile. I have a variety of reasons why, and will write more about it, to see if distance provides a different perspective. My business functions entirely online, I don't really want my relationships to follow the same route.

Need Nature
Ever since being in BC, I realize that nature is where I'm the happiest. Being back in the city has been a bit of a culture shock for me, and I feel it's necessary to get outside more and see what actually matters in this world. I miss the trees, the stars, mountains and lakes. Fortunately, they're not far away.

Swing & Skate afternoon at City Hall. Photo by @contessabessa

Real-ationships 

I feel like I have a load of friends who I need to reach out to, and get together with more often. I put it on my list, to go out with at least one new person, every other week, for a date/meal; for the sake of having real, live -sans distractions- conversation. This city is filled with amazing people, and it's why I chose to come back in the first place.

Work/Life 
I work online, so I am structuring a proper schedule where my time is more clear; with actual slots and deadlines used on my computer. I can glaze over in front of a screen far too easily, and that alone is a drainer from how I spend my time. I hope that killing the distractions will open more time with my blog, and my business identity. Those are the things that I often put off, because of time fillers and mindless procrastination.

Communication
The more I hear people say that they don't need to talk to anyone because they can see what's up on Facebook, the more I feel that I really don't like the concept of social media; leading to antisocial behaviour. When's the last time you picked up the phone and called a friend? Hmm. This may be a new habit, too.

It'll be interesting to see how this all goes down. I'm planning on writing about it in March, to see if it does actually help point my life, and my time, in a more positive direction.

take and make time

I've spent so much time trying to write about time, I see that I'm falling into the vacuum of wasting it. While I don't think process is a waste at all, there is a time when you have to say that you're thinking things too far, that it is actually holding back any form of progress. It's a theme I want to write about, because I have much to say about how we perceive and even value time. If you want to say you don't have the time for things, stop reading this post. There is always time. Always. You just have to value it properly.

If I hear one more time, "it must be nice to have so much time to do what you do..." I might just barf in a jar and hand it back to that person. That might sound rude, but so is implying that my time is so open to doing whatever I want... at all times. Of course, I can say I get to create as my job and profession, which is super cool, but there's an absolute disconnect from work and play. Both take time and balance, just like every other responsibility in our day to day lives. It's a matter of setting up your priorities. Only you know what is best for you.

Often, my struggle is taking more time for myself. To fix that issue, I'm turning it into a habit, to make more time for it. Even if I start with 5 minutes of time to focus only on myself, that's time. And if anyone thinks that it's selfish to put any amount of time into no one but myself; they can go be friends with someone else. Dropping those who don't value you and your time, opens up more time for better things, and even better people. I've seen significant changes in that regard.

I don't need to get into how busy my day is on a regular basis, because we all have lives filled with various responsibilities. Rather than complain about the time we think we don't have, we should brag more about how we've used it to our full advantage. I don't watch TV, I don't play games online, I don't talk to people who don't value me as a person, and I have started turning my phone off earlier and earlier in the evening; because it makes time for more time. The more I stop wasting time on the wrong things, the more I welcome time for the right things. It's gradual, with big results.

People love to waste time and complain about it later, like it wasn't their responsibility to use it for what it was. Look at how many of us go Christmas shopping at the very last minute, when yet, Christmas is talked about for at least 2 months before it arrives. We all procrastinate, and we all over think things before we begin them. If we can acknowledge our procrastination before it gets in the way of what we want and expect of ourselves, we might end up with some really positive results. I know, I know; it's far easier to pace than to face the challenges.

I find personal challenges to be helpful. I tend to create challenges, weekly (wrestlers), and sometimes even daily, for the sake of something to look forward to. Often, when I give myself a day to finish something, I don't have time to think too much about it, I just get it done. That's how I got in touch with my sketchbook again, when I jumped into the Sketch Dailies on Twitter. It was a short exercise to practice creativity on a daily basis. This is something I encourage to anyone who wants to get back in touch with their creative side. Don't have time to test out a few minutes each day? Don't make me hand that jar of barf back to you. If you want something positive and beneficial to your state of mind to be a part of your life, you work to make it happen.

There are a variety of things that can waste our time, and I would say that anticipation stands in the way of proceeding with focus and confidence. Anticipation fixates on the entire process, rather than the small moments that lead to progress. When we don't enjoy the process, we exhaust the fun before it even begins. I tend to find that grownups are pros at ignoring the fun that comes with taking time to do things that matter. If laying down a layer of paint is a waste of time, you'll never see a finished painting. I often like to play with my paints before I figure out what I am actually painting, because it's enjoyable to jump in without solid plans or rules. This is why personal projects are essential to the creative process. Letting our minds explore naturally is where we discover the most about our thoughts.

I went two years without drawing, when I finished college, because I spent too much time on the wrong things. I was worried about what others thought of me, and I see that this is a common issue with people who want to get back into being creative. We make this weird assumption that someone is going to see what we're working on, and maybe even judge us for the ugly stuff. I did this, at least. I felt that if I wasn't making something 'useful' it wasn't worth the time and effort. Sad. Imagine if I still functioned that way. I'd be sitting with an empty canvas, still to this day. Turn off your imaginary audience, and you can make whatever you want! No one is there to judge you but yourself.

When I get stuck with my work, I waste a lot of time fixating on time. I think about how much more I have yet to do before I can say I'm done, or I think about the process without taking the time to enjoy it fully. When I ask someone about a hobby they love, and their response is something along the lines of, "but, it takes so long!" I like to ask why that's a problem. If it takes you 1 hour of every Sunday, for 3 Sundays, why is that a problem when it results in something that is special to you? Why does it have to be finished so quickly when you're setting your own deadlines?

With my everyday work, I often set timers for myself, for 45 minutes each. This helps me focus on that one thing for that time frame; so I don't get stuck on the other things I have yet to do. This has worked for me significantly. It also shows me how much time 45 minutes really is. Try it out and see what you think of it because, damn, I was shocked by how much I could get finished in 45 minutes. If you have a hobby you want to make more time for, set the clock for 5 minutes and work your way up. Soon enough, that hobby becomes a habit. Habits take time to create. Creating is a great habit to have.

Lastly, the biggest time waster, standing in our way of having fun, is comparison. Comparison is basically an asshole.. or whatever Teddy Roosevelt said. I firmly stand by this motto because if I could hand out more jars of barf to the people who won't join me creatively because they think I'll sit back and compare their skills to my own; I'd be empty. I absolutely loathe this comment, because it's only an excuse that is placed onto me; when it isn't even how I think! I encourage self expression, because that's what creativity is! We're all so different, and that's what makes us amazing. Comparison is only a cop out from facing our insecurities. If you want to draw as well as me, then put in the practice. If you just want to be able to draw, the way you naturally do, and enjoy it for what it is; then quit moping and do it. The only person putting you down is yourself. That's what comparison is. Stop making me look like a dick, when I'm the one encouraging the fun.

I realize I have a lot of stuff to write about, in regards to time wasting and creative energy building. Before I take more time to try to spill it all at once and then leave without posting, I'll end it here, by saying that if you love something enough, make the time.

Time to do something about it.