self support

At times I can get a bit dramatic by over thinking certain situations, allowing them to get out of hand as I let them fester. Certainly a part of this behavior also comes from my passive nature of just going with the flow, where often times it's easy for people to take advantage if I'm not too careful. As I learn to gain a better perspective on who I am as a person, I'm learning to let things go while facing them in the process, which in the end leaves me feeling lighter in the shoulders, well rested and more determined than I have in a long time. Every situation is what we make of it, and because I refuse to let negativity push me back down, I'm keeping my cool and giving myself space to regain focus and take control over the situation. It's very rewarding.

The situation that has me bothered actually has to do with getting my driver's license. Yes, I'm 29 years old and haven't bothered to do much about it until now. Age doesn't matter, nor do my reasons for having waited so long to do something about it. It's what I chose for the time being, and it took a lot of personal growth to see when I was ready to do something about it. My disappointment however lies in a funny state, where I feel like the old habits are being tested in a sense. Like how difficult it has been to get to the last stages of my driving lessons. We've been doing this now since September of last year! Normally it would be me backing out of it and avoiding the conflict of frustration, but instead I can only continue to exercise my patience and keep that focus on what my original incentive was when I first started my classes. The key to my independence.

Tracing my steps to find that I've been taking these lessons since the summer, has me wondering why it is that we're still going, in January. To be honest, after having bitten my tongue through the process of dealing with canceled classes, excuses, time delays, unanswered phone calls (for over a month) and cut time from the in-car class time -on my instructor's half- it was almost a little too easy for me to plummet back into my old frame of thinking, which was "what's the point?" Getting out of that zone was very difficult, as the whole incentive of the classes were to leave me feeling confident about driving, and letting go of what I had only ever been so afraid of. Normally I'd throw up my hands and give up out of frustration, but after having done so much work and never mind the patience it has taken to drag this on for 4-5 long months, I said to myself that I refuse to just go with what is being dealt. In other words, I'm not going to deal with other peoples' garbage if I don't have to.

The hardest part of the process is that along the way I've heard a number of people say to me "don't be surprised if you fail" *who says that? And really, do you need to say that to someone who has struggled with those words long enough as it is? To let that go completely took a lot of energy, and instead of focus on it and let that idea win, even if it was intended to be hurtful or not, I'm doing what I can to hand that comment back and keep it where it belongs. No one needs to say that. It's not supportive, and it's certinaly not mine. It's hurtful, but I must let it go in order to maintain that focus in the forward direction. It only helps maintain the old patterns that I've been trying to break. Change comes with letting go and moving forward.

To watch myself push past the frustrations and the direct/indirect put downs, like rescheduling my test for a later date, getting that practice time that I am owed, demanding a little bit of slack in the situation by giving me the time that should have been given months ago, is a great example of the growth I've experienced within myself. I'm becoming my own person, and though it's intimidating at times, I'm learning to enjoy it as it unfolds in front of me. For any of you who struggle with bouts of anxiety or lacking any sort of self belief, it's all about making your own decisions where you choose to focus your energy and prove to yourself that life can change. If anyone wants to put you down or make things difficult for you, that's their problem. Treat it as luggage and hand it back. I've got better things to do with my time. This is a year of change. You can do it, and so can I.


T said...

Dear Libby,

I absolutely love what you wrote and will try to take it to heart.."treat it as luggage and hand it back" I really think that will help me, thank you!

Just tonight I found two things that have really inspired me....one is here http://the-penny-has-dropped.blogspot.com/2009/12/dear-fear.html and the other was sent along by my cousin Lynn (who I adore) and it is here....http://www.ted.com/talks/steve_jobs_how_to_live_before_you_die.html I hope you enjoy them as much as I did...I think I am going to watch this one every day, until I find the courage to heed his words :-)
Happy New Year!

p.s. I passed my test on the first try, I know you can do it too :-)

libbytree said...

Thanks Tracey!