tick tock with thoughts

I decided to Google how many days it was until moving day, and the number turns up to be 71. I was curious, especially because my thoughts have been racing around what I want to do. Surprisingly, I've been asking myself where I want to go. At first, I thought I wanted to be back in the south end of town, but then I started to listen to my guts a bit more and see that they're looking for something different. It might be a dumb idea, but I can't ignore it. So, here I am letting it out. You know the drill. She writes.

I love Edmonton, and I will always consider it home. Still, I feel that my experiences here have been so up and down, it's almost like I've been crashing in circles for years. From my living situations, to my relationships, work, financial catchup, to even some of my friendships, it hasn't been a smooth ride. That's life though, and those things can continue to happen wherever I go, because they're out of my control. Still, to have moved 3 times in 4 years because of my living space (floody basement, frat house, shady hood) I wonder if maybe Edmonton is actually pushing me out.

I took a chance when I moved to this city, and I am so glad I chose to try it without even knowing what it looked like. I had nothing to lose at the time and took what I was handed (a job) and saw the experience as a time to get to know myself and live on my own for the first time ever. Yes, it was my first go at living solo, and I'll say it right now, I love it that way. I'm the same kid I was in high school, marching to the beat of my own drum. I prefer to do things my way, because I don't like asking for help. Stubborn is as stubborn does, but adventure always calls.

The friends I've made here, the places I've grown to love, the culture, the trails, the vibe of the city; it's really what keeps me grounded. I feel I can find these things everywhere I go though, and because of this positive experience, I seek even more. Maybe it sounds ungrateful or greedy to think about leaving it all, but I love considering the fact that had I not tried coming here, I wouldn't know the things I know now. It's mind blowing to see what your decisions can do to change your life. I have never regretted the decision to come here, even if it hasn't always been easy. It's the struggles that sorta teach you the most.

If I choose to stay here, I know I won't be staying long. I have always seen Edmonton as a stepping stone, and it has provided me with such a boost in my life, that I feel I've been handed a Mario star. With it being just me, my dog, and the couch I refuse to part with, I feel I can go anywhere. I don't mean to sound selfish or heartless when I say that I have nothing to lose, but life is short and precious, and those who support me and care, will stay with me no matter where I go. I feel I'd be leaving with a ton of friendships that I know will remain solid. That is also a part of why I want to stay. The people here are incredible.

But, where to? Toward the ocean, for sure. I find calm in the water, and incredible joy when I'm surrounded by trees and nature. To think of having the ability to go outside year round, with the boy in tow, without having to bundle up or set a timer for when our skin will freeze, it sounds heavenly. What better way for him to retire, right? My aunt came up with that thought actually, and I liked it. It's just that 6-7 months of freezing is not ideal for either of us. I struggle with seasonal depression, and he struggles with being a temperature wimp. Breakfast is most alive when he can be outside, like me. Weather changes moods, said Nirvana. And with my business surviving through online sales, I feel I can take it anywhere, too. That adds to my list of reasons why going is okay.

Still, I want to be responsible. I don't know if I can afford such a big move, though any move is going to be costly. Also, if I move back to the south side, how is it going to benefit me? There are memories that I'm sometimes not all that happy to visit, though they make me smile warmly as I pass them. Things are in disarray in our old stomping grounds, so things are changing along with us. All I'm considering is that if we go over there, to live, it's not going to last long.. which adds yet another number to the list of times I've moved in my lifetime. I think I'm at 19 or 20 now. I never hang things on my walls because of it. It's fair to say I want that to stop. I want to hang things up and settle for a while, cool my jets, and be content with where I go.

I could change my mind entirely tomorrow, I have no idea. All I know is that considering this new adventure picks up my adrenaline. Like standing on the edge of the high dive. It's cool to think that I can jump if I want to. If it's true that change is good for the soul, maybe this will give me the right amount of kick to step even further into what I have become. It's cool to consider all of the possibilities that come with it. Really, if you had nothing to lose, would you stay in one spot?

Time is ticking. Tomorrow is another day of change.

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