day one: kicking back

Before I get started on going all out, I thought it was appropriate to slow down and catch up on rest from this week. It was long, stressful and way too full of negative energy that I just need to let it out and let back in, in order to find my sense of balance and enjoy the holidays for what they're worth. Of course as soon as a blanket is laid out, Tim is there to help weigh it down and keep it extra warm- which I always find amazing that he knows no matter where I am in the house, that his assistance is required.

When it comes to the holidays there is a piece of me that grows rather blue inside, as the reality of my situation is that I don't have much family to hold onto anymore. To think that the holidays were once shared with a family of nearly 18 people under one roof, it's an unsettling feeling at times to see that the ones remaining within grasp are but 2. In some ways the holidays have been a time of grief, letting go and dealing with change as each year can be a challenge within itself depending on my mood or reaction to the situation.

Learning to take what is in the now and share it with others has only recently become a part of my holiday traditions, where even if I go at it alone I feel that sense of grounding that I haven't had in years. Familiarity is becoming more prominent in my day to day, which is a lovely feeling to grow on, since having lived in 17 homes in my life, I had no idea before how to settle and say "this is where I am to stay" and actually trust it. The pieces are restructuring before my eyes.

To see that I have my own home, my own space, with my own little family to grow with, it's a great thing to celebrate and be rid of that usual emptiness that doesn't need to be there anymore. It's true that there's no place like home for the holidays, and only recently am I beginning to see just where my home actually is.

I love these moments of learning, as it is a gift within itself to see that I no longer have to pick up and become reacquainted with another unfamiliar space and adjust to being who I think I am all over again. It's easy to lose sight of yourself within so much unnecessary, internal chaos. And so, with the help of a trusty blanket and a fuzzy little anchor to keep me grounded and bring me back down to earth, I can see that there is way too much to be happy for in the now.

That's a gift I could never exchange.

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