day 13: lucky 13

While I am able to relax just a little bit, for getting my work done in less than two weeks, the challenge now is finding a job. With only two more weeks until my last day of work, it's starting to sink in that I need to throw myself out there as much as possible, and see where it takes me. I am not applying for Design positions anymore, and that cuts off a major safety net for me. While I feel that it's tough to avoid, it's necessary to keep up with what I promised to myself. No more Design. Ugh, you have no idea how glad I was to send off my last company newsletter. Ever.

The burning question I've been asked is whether I quit or got fired. I'd say that this was a mutual agreement, that things just weren't working, and that it was becoming outwardly evident that I don't like what I'm doing. My position had been changed a few times, within the same company, to see if it would help cure my ennui and frustration. It's a different form of creativity that I find incredibly stifling, and really tough to ignore on a daily basis. Maybe it sounds foolish and flighty to pursue something more art based, competitive, and difficult to get into. Get on the internet and you'll see that there are tons of people out there, who get to do amazing things with their talents for a living. It's not impossible. I'm proving it to myself, and maybe to others, by going after it. There's no time for doubt and uncertainty. None.

Tomorrow is the big day. My animation/demo is complete, and though it's not at all how I envisioned it, or planned for, I know that it's the right thing to send. Originally, I wanted to create a sort of story; something that cleverly dictated how my mind functions on imagery and fantasy. Because I'm still learning how to animate, and build a solid story that flows properly; that sequence is being put on hold, though not scrapped entirely. I'm still going to animate stories for myself, I just can't allow any further delays. This means using work I've already done. Stuff that I didn't realize was so strong already.

The application requirements asked that I send a demo of my work, something simple, no sound, just 2 minutes (or less) of what I've done. Something that's easy to view, and a display of what I currently have going on. Not being able to create entirely new content was a challenge, because I always feel I can do something better than what I did the day before. This, unfortunately, is the problem; it's why I've been running in perpetual circles when it comes to pursuing my dreams of working in the industry. What industry is that? I guess you could call it entertainment? Art? Storytelling? I don't know. I have no idea where I fit in yet. All I know is that I have a gift I need to share, and it can be used so long as I have a pencil in my hand and the ability to dream big.

Sunday afternoon, I'm hitting send. I'm not thinking about it as anything fancy, just a job application that is like any other job application. I'm taking it as any other day and firing it over with my eyes closed. Reaching this point in time isn't at all what I envisioned, but I'm glad to be here. I just have some small details to polish up and then there's no more time to be wasted. It's taking a shot in the dark, to see what happens. If nothing happens, nothing happens. I'm not relying on it to be my only option. I feel I'm being realistic, keeping myself safe from nerves and expectations. If I build it up to be anything spectacular, though it is, it's going to ruin the experience for me and make me second guess it. No time for that. The worry, the doubt, the expectations, the procrastination. Nope, it's time to do this, now.

Sunday afternoon, I apply to Disney/Pixar. Fuck it.

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