day 4: cray is okay

Ever just need to remind yourself -over and over- that you are human, just to feel a little bit sane/safe within your own emotions? I feel like I can drift from one extreme to the other in a matter of minutes. My sensitivity is high, my paranoia is loose, my irritability shows up when I least expect it. I feel like crying, I feel like laughing my ass off; sometimes I do both. I've asked myself how I'm going to get through this; what I'm doing, why I'm here, where I'm going, what it's going to look like. I want the future, yet I don't want to lose out on right now. Time is fleeting, yet perpetual.

I dream about cats with claws, sticking to my arms. I'm lost in an airport/college/indoor pool. I've lost my shoes, I need directions, I need a ticket to ride the bus, that leads to a plane, that looks like an old fashioned car. There's an octopus that clings to me, and refuses to be put back into the ocean. Shadows swim below me, I'm stranded, I'm alone, I'm cold, I'm insignificant. A door closes, a phone rings, a voice calls out. It's just me and a big black wolf. I have to hide, I have to run, I have to get to work on time. Why am I always running out of time?

I go outside, to get some fresh air. I hear my breath, I look at the skies. Ursa Major. The Big Dipper. Something about it makes me feel grounded, because it is recognizable and always present. I look for it to gather my sense of direction. I ask it where I'll be the next time I see it. I gaze at it until I am almost lost. I realize that no matter what, it'll always be there. I'm here, it's there, we drift along in this crazy universe. Familiarity, outer space, the mysteries of this lifetime, you keep me grounded. I'm floating and falling simultaneously. 

I pick up my pens, I clean my kitchen, I pace around the spot where I should be working. I jot down a word, a thought, a note to self that I need to get eggs and milk. I fold up a blanket, pick up a sock, I throw a ball for the dog. Blank stare. What is going on? We sit on the floor, we fall asleep. More dreams of things clinging, and spinning, and running out of time. My feet are bare, my hands are cold. I wake up to silence and a flickering screen. I take a deep breath, I click some buttons and another step is done. I'm getting through this, I'm breathing, I'm dreaming, I'm screaming, I'm laughing, I'm wiping away tears.

It's going to be okay, the world keeps spinning. I can go just a little bit crazy if I want to. 

I am human

1 comment:

Scream Queen B said...
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