day 17 & 18: rolled into one

I missed a day of posting, but I figured it was needed, since I've been spending a LOT of time on my computer. I have to say, it was a very productive -5 day- weekend, so much that it was tough to tell myself when to stop because I was having such a good time with it. When that happens, I know it's a good sign. The tougher part, I think, is taking the time to slow down; even if it's necessary. I can't squeeze myself dry and expect to make spectacular work all the time. Instead, I've decided to let it (and myself) rest for a couple of days, and then come back to it over yet another weekend of late nights. This is how I currently live.

When I stopped working, to switch into some down time and enjoy today, I had a brief moment of anxiety. My chest grew tight, my breathing a little short, my thoughts racing so fast that I couldn't allow my kitchen cupboards to grow disorganized. I had this sudden sensation of realizing that I won't have a job after next week; which makes me wonder what the f*ck I'm going to do. I try not to think too long about it because I can't get worked up over something I can't predict or control. I can only continue to work at the pace I've been going, and see where it takes me. The buts and what ifs can take a backseat. Really, I don't have time to let them get in my way.

When anxiety speaks, I tell it to shut up. It's never constructive. It also wears me out before it begins. It's funny because it's all a game of thinking too far ahead. There are so many possibilities of where things can take me, and some of those things don't come up with positive results. I have to be realistic that I might not find that job I'm 'meant to be' in. I mean really, who gets to do what they want in this world? Is that a cynical thing to say? I don't think so, to be honest. I feel it's how I keep myself in the now, and prepared for what might actually happen; it could very well be nothing at all.

I could ask myself a million questions, what I'm going to do, where I'll go, how I'll afford it etc. It'll get sorted when I get there. I have built up a client base through my years of freelance and toy making that I know I can fall back on it, if it is needed. For now, I'm still keeping the momentum focused entirely on myself and what I need in order to make it through to the other side. I dunno what the other side means, I just think it sounds ambitious enough to block out the anxiety that keeps trying to creep in and mess things up. It always messes things up.

I used to have such terrible anxiety, I had panic related seizures. I even had a period where I didn't leave the house for almost 6 months. Yeah, it was that bad. I was fixated so much on disappointing people, or not doing things right, or letting down a certain audience that I decided was always watching and judging me, because it was inevitable I would fail. It was an awful thing to place on my shoulders, but it was there, and I lived with it for years. When I started to realize that my anxiety was only affecting the outcome, I decided to do something about it. I started to realize that I wasn't in any particular danger, and that every day was a new day, and it was all about now and not what happened yesterday or 200 years ago. If it has already happened, it has happened; if it hasn't happened yet, you wait. Anxiety doesn't want to sit and enjoy the moment with you, it wants to destroy it. When it comes around, I meditate. Meditation brings awareness that everything is okay, right now.

I have no idea what is going to happen from here, if I'll achieve anything, or if this is all I get out of this experience. I could end up in another design position, for all I know. I could go along continuing to chase my tail and look for a place for my talents to fit in. I could give up, I could sit on the floor and cry about it if I want. The fact is that it's all a choice, how you respond to the things in your life. Either you let them defeat you, or you defeat them. I'm only here to try out this thing called living and see what I can get out of it. If it takes me back to square one, I can only say I tried. My friends will always be there, my dog, my family, the grass, the sky, the air. It's all going to be okay. Nothing is going to take me away from the things I want in life, so long as I am in control.

Take that, anxiety. Go home.

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